It's Own Kind of Special

I visit an LDS homeschooling discussion board and have for years. The other day someone asked for experiences and feelings about infertility (primary and secondary), miscarriage and loss of a child for a talk she was preparing.  Over the last few days as I considered what I had written, I decided that I wanted to record these thoughts here as well. Here they are with a few minor additions~


I understand a bit from the secondary infertility perspective. It took 5 months of trying for ds - just enough to start to worry that there was a problem. Then he came. I wasn't very consistent with birth control after he was born, but we really started trying when he was a year old. For the next 10 years, nothing. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. Dh at the time had a few issues, but nothing that should have warranted 10 years of infertility. Even artificial insemination didn't work. Now we are divorced so my window seems to be firmly shut.

A couple of things have helped-

I heard Shari Dew once say that "Eve was called the Mother of All Living before she ever gave birth." I realized that motherhood is a character trait, a virtue,  that I could develop not a destination. It helped me to understand that I did have some control over the situation and that some of the best mothers are not 'mothers'. The title does not a mother make.

A sister who waited for over 14 years to finally adopt their baby talked to me about her decision of refusing to become bitter. I decided that this was my custom built trial and I wanted to rise to the challenge instead of feel victim; to become "better not bitter." I decided I wanted to celebrate birth and life where ever I found it. I continue to go to baby showers and I have come up with my own traditional gifts for the mother and baby. I hold babies. I read books such as "The Hiding Place" where single sisters saved thousands of Jews, even babies, during the Holocaust. When it was hardest, I looked around my ward and saw a sister who had 3 bio. kids and 5 adopted from DHS. The 5 littles were all under 4 (2 sibling groups - basically she had developmental triplets and twins) and her husband was in the bishopric. We adopted one of her babies as our "Sunday Baby" and for over a year, we took care of him every Sunday, all three hours.

For me, it was better to be prepared. The only time I cried in front of others was when two friends showed up to church with new adopted babies when I didn't know they were hoping to adopt (two separate occasions.) Knowing someone was pregnant or hoping to adopt made it much easier for me to celebrate with them than the surprises. I had time to truly be happy for them. I also hated the feeling of people avoiding telling me. It gave infertility too much control.

I too learned to look for the Lord's tender mercies. Mother's Day 2007 was one such day. Growing up, I always wanted 8 kids. When I met my former husband, I knew that he was a three or four kind of guy and I settled into that expectation. Enter secondary infertility. After 5 or 6 years of infertility we became foster parents, providing a home and love to a handful of kids, hoping that if one of them needed a permanent home, we would be available. On that particular Mother's Day, I was thinking about the kids that had called me Mom over the years and suddenly realized that we had fostered 7 kids over the years. With our one biological son, I had had my 8 kids. And that particular Mother's Day Sunday, for the only time in my life, four bright shining faces sat on the pew with us at church that day. Everyone one of them called me mom. In a very different way, I have been a mother to 8 children - they will always be the children of my heart. I was so grateful to the Lord for those blessings and more importantly, I was so grateful to see the blessing in the moment.

I have 'adopted' many kids into my life. I joke that I am the only single parent with one kid that could really, really use a van. I borrow my friends' kids for outings, I go to games of my students, I taxi kids to activities all over the place, I take on fun projects with my nieces and nephews. It is not the same and I will never say that it is. But it is it's own kind of special and it is how I focus on joy and control what I can control. I don't want infertility to define who I am nor control my happiness. I have learned (and am still learning) to live in the moment and find joy in the everyday instead of succumbing to the temptation of "if only's" and "When's".

I believe that we are all called upon to pass through heartache trials. For some it is never marrying, others infertility, others death of a loved one, others extreme illness or disability. They are all completely different, but the intense pain and heartache of disappointed dreams is very similar, especially the heartache of righteous desires. This one is mine. My understanding of eternity has helped. This shall be a small moment... I have read the many scriptures of the atonement and how Christ suffered our sorrows so that he might know how to succor us. I thought about how much Christ loved children yet he never had the opportunity to be an earthly father. I have always felt that He understood my heartache. I've continue to learn to trust His vision and understanding. 


All of that said, it still hurts. One of the harder things in the divorce was knowing that even foster care and adoption were now not an option. The door is truly shut. I have cried. I still feel various symptoms and catch myself thinking "what if..." and I haven't been married for 2 years. They say that time heals all wounds. I don't really agree. It is what you are doing during that time that heals.

After my divorce, I got a small box that I call my "God Box". My deepest heartaches get written down and I put them in the box. It is my way of letting go and putting it all in his hands. There are a few slips of paper in there pouring out my desires to be a mother and putting it in His hands.

There have been blessings with the infertility. I am a much better mom than I ever would have been without it. I work much harder at making memories and appreciating every moment. At my darkest moment, my dh sent me flowers with a card that said, "Just Because". I still have that card and will keep it always. I am so grateful for him that day.  I have grown - I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father. I've learned of the atonement in ways that I may not have. I have learned to love on a deeper level. I know that the Lord knows me. He knows my heart, my desires, my sacrifices. Do the blessings balance the heartache? - for me, no, not right now. I still physically ache for the spirits that are missing. It's like I already know them in a way and miss them fiercely. BUT - I know and completely trust that the blessings will balance the heartache in the end. In the eternal perspective, what I will have gained will be worth the small moment of now.