Within 6 months of the divorce I posted a list of things that were helping me survive (a link to the list is on the sidebar.) I have added to that list this year and thought I would share. Most of these are services that I have needed or deeply appreciated. Without further ado, I share Divorce 101 part 2:
Offer to take a single parent's picture often. And then send the copies to them. I can and do take pictures of myself but I am limited to head shots and it usually takes 5 -10 tries to get one that will work (well that is usually when I give up.) It has been a strange feeling of not being able to record myself full bodied. Kind of re-enforces the idea that my life is missing something. And there are many times that I just let it go because it isn't worth the hassle. I want to remember the memory, not the struggle to get a usable picture.
Massage. I really miss touch. I miss holding hands, kisses, and hugs. I miss shoulder and foot massages. I miss touching someone else and enjoying that moment. I have been more stressed and exhausted than ever before and much of the tension resides in my neck and shoulders. Sometimes I want to move closer to my sisters just to have someone who I can ask for a massage any ol' time. Offer your divorcing family member a neck and shoulders massage. Often.
Be a sounding board. I've been very blessed with some wonderful friends and family who have let me talk through decisions with them. It isn't so much that I need their advice, but two things rather. One, I can sort things out in my head a bit better when I have to put them into words and two, I don't want to loose that communication skill. When married, you have to always consider another person's point of view and opinion. You have to listen and hear them, mull it over and arrive at a decision together. I don't want to loose that and I really appreciate those who have not only listened to my thoughts but who have stated their opinion, especially when it differed from mine.
Full length mirror. I just got one. Ryan's opinion on how I look was always "Fine. Good. Let's go." So reassuring.
A George Foreman grill. Tim did what grilling we ever had and I guess he ended up with the grill. I know I don't have it. I was at Alisa's house 6 months ago and watched her throw 3 frozen chicken breast on her GF and literally minutes later we sat down to eat juicy, tender grilled chicken. Never have I been so hooked. I purchased my GF the next month. I love it so much it sits on my counter all the time and most of you know how much I hate counter clutter. It makes everything takes better. Frozen burritos toasted in the GF taste like you slaved over them. (ask me how I know). It is a slight pain to clean but it is non-stick so not that bad and it absolutely makes up for it in taste and time.
I love gardening. It has become a passion over the last 10 yrs. Nurturing something and creating beauty... it just really touches something deep within me. I still drive by my old house to gaze at the flower beds and peek through the gate at the veggie beds in the back yard. The hydrangeas are getting so big now. As a single working mother, I haven't had anytime or money to put in new flower beds. I have plans to change that this spring if the weather cooperates. And the finances. Anyway, over the last two years I have ached for flowers. Soon after the divorce was final I came home to some flowers planted by the front door. I cried. It felt like something beautiful was growing out of the ashes of my life. I did plant some parsley that first year. I neglected it terribly. When I finally had time in the spring (9 months later) to rake up the fall leaves, I uncovered that wisp of parsley still holding on. Strange that something so small would fill my heart with such hope.
Anyway, I always preferred a plant to cut flowers more from a practicality stand point. Plants live while cut flowers die. I have come to appreciate any flower, cut or plant. Last May Day I came home to a little paper May basket filled with tiny mums on my door knob. Another time my sisters sent me the most beautiful and fragrant lilies. Those flowers have meant so much. I spent moments every day looking at them, smelling them, touching them. And even though they are temporary, they remind me that this time in my life is temporary. It is a moment. It will pass.
Study the gospel, especially the atonement. The gospel will save your life. Divorce has a way of shaking your testimony to its core. Everything I thought I knew for certain had become questionable. Two things have helped me. First, I found a gospel study partner. As we have tackled subjects and lessons and discussed points, my testimony has strengthened. Having a partner has kept me accountable and given me something to look forward too. Second, the Old Testament stories. I have come to love that book of scripture so much. So much strength and wisdom. So many modern day applications. Here are a few of the ones that have helped me:
Daniel in the Lion's Den - I read this story every visitation for the first year. I can relate so much to King Darius' anguish, the guilt he felt, the prayers he uttered and the relief he felt to find Daniel alive and well.
Joseph story - first the fact that bad things happen to good people. We do suffer for the choices of others, many times even from our own family. Yet, the Lord can and will turn those things to our good if we allow him and have faith in him. I also found so much strength in Joseph's story when he sees his brothers again. His grief- years later & blessed with a beautiful life, Joseph wept so many times seeing his brothers. His forgiveness, his leading them to repentance, continues to touch my heart.
My friend Meghan posted this on her blog last month and it touched me so much I looked up the story, discussing Lot's wife-
"So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.
To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday are some of the sins of Lot’s wife." (emphasis added)
I have always been taught that 'wickedness never was happiness' but I sure struggled for a while when it sure looked happy, especially when I was barely keeping it together. Then I found this and it has made such a difference- Malachi 3: 13-19
13 ¶ Your words have been astout against me, saith the Lord. Yet ye say, What have we spoken so much against thee?
15 And now we call the aproud happy; yea, they that work bwickedness are set up; yea, they that tempt God are even delivered.
16 ¶ Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another: and the Lord hearkened, and heard it, and a abook of bremembrance was written before him for them that feared theLord, and that thought upon his name.
17 And they shall be mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up my bjewels; and I will cspare them, as a man spareth his own son that serveth him. (emphasis mine)
There are more- Abraham, Job, Noah, Isaac & Rebekah, Moses' mother. I feel a kinship and a respect for these great people that only develops in adversity. I am not comparing my trials with theirs, more that their examples have given me so much strength and understanding of my own.
Finally, this scripture has been permanently engraved upon my heart -
"My {daughter Julie}, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high..."
1 comment:
Good for you for writing down your thoughts and needs at this time. I am so glad you have had people around you there to lift you up during this difficult time.
Love you. :)
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