Sunday, January 21, 2018

Step by Step

Day 20

Stumbles -
Temptations - For a while I've wondered about personal temptations. It has felt like Satan wasn't really worried about me (which worried me) and I was just coasting along. The phrase "If you aren't moving forward you are moving backward" concerned me. As I have started making goals and moving toward those goals, I have begun to see and feel temptations. So while I have felt and fallen to temptations over these past days, I've also begun to learn what temptations look like and feel like for me. I've appreciated this new perspective. And I thought it was interesting that temptations come as we move forward... hmmm. I think that needs more pondering.

Exercise - is soooo boring. My mind goes a million miles an hour thinking of everything I need to be doing. It was sooo hard to stay exercising and so easy to justify moving on to other needs. My mind felt very scattered.

Steps forward -
Tracking - while I had some very high point days, I have tracked almost every day. It has been more about accountability than anything. This journey is a spiritual journey as well as a physical one and this accountability is a big one. I've also thought about being honest in every detail. If you can be honest with yourself, you can be honest with others.

Planning- I've been diligent in going to the store and making sure I have food on hand. There is a large learning curve to healthy eating. I have a long way to go but I have see the importance of keeping the kitchen stocked and being prepared. I think there is a spiritual lesson here...

Exercise - the first few days of exercise were miserable. Then I took a day where I didn't turn on a podcast or music and let my mind wander. Instead, I just prayed. Literally. I poured out my heart out about my life and when I looked at the clock a minute later, I saw that 16 mins. had passed! I continued praying, really talking and after, I turned on a new playlist that had some songs from Heartland (favorite show). The songs felt like they were being sung to me by the Savior. I LOVE these songs now. Some of the are romantic songs but I feel like they are between myself and the Savior. In the days that have followed, I have looked forward to working out. To that time with Him. I can not over state this blessing. It was unexpected. I am so grateful for these moments.

Food - I am re-discovering fruits and veggies. I have loved savoring the blessings of fresh foods and the simplicity of the basics. I am only buying from the store so I know it is a pale imitation of garden fresh. I am looking forward to farmer's markets and garden fresh from my own garden.

Onward -
I am working on fine tuning the learning curve, meal by meal. I also want to find more recipes, healthy yet scrumptious as well. Healthy gourmet is my goal. I am also working on sleep. If I don't get enough sleep, it is really hard to exercise and even harder to avoid chocolate.

I have lost 6.8 lbs. My jeans fit better. I don't feel quite like a sausage. Onward and upward.

Monday, January 1, 2018

The Deafening Sound of Silence

Day One-
I stayed up late and slept in. My head kept justifying that it was my last day to sleep in because from now on I will be getting up at 5:00 to exercise. Yeah. Let’s be real. It is not my last sleep in day. But it hasn’t fazed me. I’m changing. I’m moving. Im not making excuses.

I sat my sister down last night and told her my plan, more for accountability than for her approval. I’d like to do this with her and others, but I’m fine if I am doing it alone. Because He is with me.

I spent the mornings by signing up for weight watchers and *shocker* actually read all of the online features. I get 33 points per day with 44 plus points for the week. I made eggs with ham, onion and babybel cheese (4 puts) and tracked it. I changed into work out clothes, had my daughter take the below before pictures and I jumped on the treadmill. There was all of the requisite changing cords, moving the fan, figure out the new treadmill garbage that is now out of the way. I set up some Mike Rowe podcasts and started walking. I walked 1.65 miles in 35 mins. I was slightly warm and glad for the fans that I had set up. I started at 2.7 miles per hour and moved up to 3.2. I was bored after 10 mins and felt my mind wandering to the million of things I need or want to do even though I love Mike Rowe. I found myself watching the clock and counting the seconds. When the last podcast ended, I kept walking and silence was deafening. How did I get to the point where I couldn’t be still with my own thoughts, with just me? I started praying and talking to Heavenly Father. Slowly my mind quieted and I stopped watching the clock. It was a moment, but I caught a glimpse of the opportunity to learn on this journey. The couples who I adore on the amazing Race are the ones who enjoy the race, the people, the cultures, and who take time to see the blessings around them. I felt the same for a millisecond. I’m looking forward to the silence of my own thoughts, the beat of my own heart.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

My Amazing Race

I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore so it feels like a safe place to be transparent and real. I am going to use this blog as my personal weight loss journal - a public space yet obscure enough to be private. And to be honest, I need the accountability more than I need to impress anyone.

So, Sunday, Dec. 31, 2017 finds me at 277 lbs., more than 100 lbs over my ideal weight. 100 lbs obese is hard. The day starts out with aches, pains, and I often feel exhausted when I wake up. Getting dressed is a joy as something is always way too tight. Tying my shoes, fitting behind the wheel and trying to pick things up, chase after kids or even find a comfortable sitting spot are daily challenges. I've been breathless walking up stairs for over 4 years. Chocolate and sugar have become a food group for me and often I will wake up thinking about chocolate for breakfast. Entire days have gone by where most if not all my food for the day came from chocolate. Exercise has become non-existent. I've spent years rationalizing that I don't have time with my commute, job, family and church responsibilities, but the hard truth is I haven't made time. You make time for the things that are important to you and my health hasn't been important. Like most things, there is a complicated web of emotions, thoughts, and past that have brought me here and I plan to share much of it as I process thru and work toward a healthy life.

Why now? I don't know. I really don't. I know that it has been coming for a long time. I've had false starts before and I have no evidence except a gut feeling that this time will be any different. I guess the only real difference is that this time I am not doing it alone. I've been given a promise that HE can make weak things become strong. I am putting that promise to the test. I am leaning on him to be my partner, to guide my personal choices, to walk next to me, to show me the way and eventually run with me. To be perfectly honest, it feels like Everest - overwhelming, daunting, full of struggle, pain and even danger. But He has asked others to conquer Everest before - Moses leading the Israelites, Sarah giving birth in her old age, Joseph in Egypt, Nephi building a ship, Moroni guarding the plates and walking alone, Joseph translating them. I am in good company.

I have been prayerful. I have a plan that I feel He has revealed -
1. Prayer is my most important step. Multiple times a day. Over every little thing. Every bite. Every step. Every temptation. Every hope and dream and tear and smile.
2. Scriptures - I am searching for every scripture I can about movement & my body. Every story of triumph over overwhelming odds. I need to hear His voice to me.
3. Living a healthy life is one of my value projects for my personal progress.
4. I can only see to when Ryan gets home in July. After that, I trust that he will show the way beyond. That is my "end of the tunnel" right now.
5. I printed off inspirational posters and a progress chart and posted them above the treadmill.
6. I have joined weight watchers for the next 3 months (I plan to do it for 6 months but Jan. is always a lean month so I only paid for 3 months so far). My sisters are familiar with WW and I need their support much the way Nephi needed his brothers. I can't do this without them.
7. I am studying the Word of Wisdom - specifically looking at the DO's. Vegetables. Fruits. Whole grains. In season.
8. I made a bucket list of things I want to do - many are physical. I want to live the life I dream about.
9. I am joined I Run For Wounded Veterans IR4 - an email pen-pal/chat room where I will be matched with a wounded vet. I dedicate my exercise to a vet who is physically disabled I will be posting 3 times a week minimum on my experiences. My body is an incredible gift, and I have so many blessings that I don't see. I want to really see them.
10. I am keeping this blog. A daily journal. Accountability. I have read soooooo many stories after the fact. I decided that I wanted to document my journey in progress. Be real. Maybe it will help someone else one day but honestly, I just pray that it helps me.

Welcome to my Amazing Race.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Feelin the Love

Can I just say I love, love, LOVE 5 and 6 yr olds? They really are what is best in the world. Yesterday was our Valentine's day party. Most of these kiddos had never experienced a Valentine's day party and they were sooooo excited! Watching them go through their valentine bags and see the cards and treats, it was like watching Christmas. I have one student who wasn't at the party and I was so impressed with the kids who persistently worked to make sure that kiddo had a treat too.

I love Kinders. I love how much they teach me.

Thursday, February 12, 2015


I love those dinner conversation laughter moments. Ryan's quick wit is a constant surprise. I felt like time froze for just a split second while I took a mental picture Monday night. I love my family.  

Monday, February 9, 2015

Monday, February 9, 2015

I left the school without my computer. Or any work. It feels so strange to walk out with only my purse.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Todays highlights-
Watching the primary kids gain knowledge and confidence with the scriptures. Even the 3 yr olds can find the title page and the index! I loved how they hung on every word of the story. I loved some of the older  ones, who think they have heard all of the stories, say "wow! I never knew that!"

Taking a 2 hr nap. Glorious!

Writing an email to a friend!

And fav moment- Ryan running down stairs excited to tell me about the "perfect" source he just found for his college research paper. So fun to watch hard things become strengths for him.

Step by Step

Day 20 Stumbles - Temptations - For a while I've wondered about personal temptations. It has felt like Satan wasn't really worri...