The Terms of Surrender

(I am sorry to those of you who thought you were going crazy having seen this post yesterday and had it disappear. I wrote the post yesterday when I had time to actually write and accidently posted it. Sorry! Now it is here to stay. )

So I joined Weight Watchers today. Sara and Tracy also joined today in Washington and Cindi, a lifetime member, will be joining us next month after her baby is born. I am very excited to do this with my sisters. We will be talking to each other, sharing recipes, challenging each other. I have spent the last few days stocking up on my new ingredient list - yogurt, broccoli, apples, bread, fudge cicles, popcorn, hard candy. I already have my gym bag packed and in the car. I turned the back of my door into my "Return and Report" center with my Biggest Loser calendar, goal pictures and motivational thoughts.

I have been struggling about posting this and I wondered why. I've posted so much about the divorce and it has never bothered me to share those personal details. Why would I squirm to share that I have joined Weight Watchers? As I have thought about it, in a way WW feels bigger than the divorce. The divorce was someone else's actions affecting me. Like a soldier bleeding to death I was very grateful to accept help from all the medics in my life. And while I had to answer a few questions of "what in the world were you doing there in the first place?", overall I knew I was were I was supposed to be and I haven't minded sharing my war story.

This is different. I did this to myself. Every pound (in my case) is evidence of "eat, drink, and be merry" and even more importantly, procrastination. Tomorrow, next week, someday. I have been in wrong place. I could have avoided this. I did this to myself and it has been a bit squirmy to admit that I need a medic because of my own stupidity.

Here are some of my random, jumbled thoughts on this:

I want living memories. I want to play basket ball with Ryan on a gorgeous spring day not just shoot hoops. I want to feel that freeing feeling as I really run and feel that really deep, filling breathing at the end. I want to run a 5K and have a picture at the finish line. I want to have sit-up and push-up competitions with Ryan. I want to win at arm wrestling. I want to hike tall mountains. I want to bike around Lake Hefner. I want the freedom of health. When I die, I don't want it to be a video of still pictures, but action pictures of me living life.

I know that my body is a gift from my Heavenly Father. Not only a gift to me but also for me. There are spiritual lessons that my spirit needs to learn from this body. Self-discipline, work, choice, sacrifice, endurance, prayer, humility, and love. I am intimately aware of my natural woman weaknesses. I can not do this on my own. I have tried. I have failed. I came to a spot a few months ago where I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father pleading for divine help. A few days later my sister called sharing her very similar experience and decision to join WW.  I knew that it was my answer.  I feel that this surrender is personal; an acknowledgment of my dependence on the Lord, my need for His help. WW is just the terms of my surrender.

So now begins the Reconstruction period. Please know this is not a New Year's Resolution. I don't believe in them per se. The timing just worked out that way.

I ran across this talk from BYU Education Week that I loved. Body and Soul. It is an hour long, but very much worth the time. I will be watching it a few times and taking notes next time. Enjoy!