Aimless, Pointless, Going in Circles

I am not much of a writer but I have a desperate need to give voice to my feelings of late. This not meant to be depressing in any way - life is good and has been steadily improving over the last year. My canoe has steadied and the seas have abated. Now, I feel as if I am looking over a large expanse and don't know to which direction to paddle. Perhaps because the school year has started, I feel as if I am paddling in a circle - covering the same waters only without the storm. Things are easier. I can breathe. But I find the scenery uninspiring. I greatly fear that my current teaching position will very likely kill my love of teaching. Today, another teacher with years of experience, said that she had never felt so overwhelmed. I gulped and said nothing. I feel like I am being asked to make a complex recipe for paint so that I can paint a paint-by-numbers poster of a masterpiece when I so much want to just go out in the fresh air with paper and colored pencils and draw all the masterpieces of my soul. I am trying to trust those who know more than I. I keep telling myself that if I just follow the instructions, it will all come together. I don't want to come away from meetings depressed and overwhelmed. I want to be inspired & encouraged. I want to feel like part of the army in a great cause making great progress. I want to teach for the love of teaching and learn for the love of learning. 

Part of the problem is that I know where I would like to go, but I have no power to get there. I am on this river, in this canoe. So where to I paddle to now? Sometimes the crossroads of choices are just as daunting as the journey themselves. I found this blog the other day and I have been inspired. It is the blog of a young woman (20 yrs. old) who is a teacher & missionary in Uganda.  I would love to do something like this. I don't know if my heart could handle it. I don't know if my body could handle it. But I think that my spirit would thrive. Then I think that maybe I have been "called" to where I am at - inner city kiddos. It is only the second week of school and I am already tutoring one kiddo after school, mentoring another and donating to get another into orchestra. And I do love that part. I truly love these kids, seeing their progress. They do know that I love them. I just feel so unsatisfied. I want more. I overheard teachers talking today that they were upset with the new requirements this year - "they are making us educated them for colleges none of them will attend and not letting us prepare them for life." My heart broke - I want to believe, no I need to believe, that some of them will love learning. Some of them will grow up to fulfill their dreams. To be astronauts and doctors, scientist and writers, artists and authors. 

My aimless feelings lately seem to be touching every part of my life. Sunday, as I sat down in church, I felt, for the first time in my life, like I didn't belong. It was a silly feeling. I greeted friends. An acquaintance reached out to me. I felt like I helped another. I came home with renewed inspiration to be better. Yet, I didn't feel like I belonged. It is such a disquieting feeling - not knowing where "home" is or what mission in life the Lord has for you. That feeling of there is something for you to do but you don't know what it is or how to figure it out. 

I feel very aimless as a mother as well. I really struggle with being a working mother. It was never modeled for me so it feels less than. The longer I work the more convinced I am that mothering is about TIME.  The more I work the less I seem to have of it. I try to focus on what I do get done but often that short list is clouded by the mountain of undone things. Yes, I tucked him in, sang to him, talked or tickled for a few minutes. But I had to cut it short to work on lesson plans due the next morning. It was hurried, rushed, and I know he felt less than most important. The fallacy tears my heart. 

My personal life... not sure what to say here. The dreams continue. I wish I could just stop wanting what I can't have and learn to want what I do have. I want my heart to stop aching for a husband and children that will not be and embrace the career that I am blessed with. I get somewhat impatient with people who say, "never say never." I am not saying those things will never happen. But I want to stop aching for them. I want to forget about them and get busy loving every second of the life I have and then be pleasantly surprised if they ever do happen. I want the desire for them to abate because it can hurt so much sometimes. 

I do feel very confused of late. I had an amazing time in Nauvoo. Before Nauvoo, I felt like I was just being pulled out of the refiner's fire. I felt strong & proved, but also covered in soot and smoke. Nauvoo dusted me off and polished me up. I came home with the old twinkle in my eye some 13 years gone. I still do feel that. Nauvoo gave me a glimpse of purpose, future and direction. I look forward to going back. I felt needed there. I felt called there. I want to feel that same feeling here in my life. I just don't know how to make it happen. 

So, I will continue to paddle, continue to check out the scenery, continue to assess the options on the map. I will try harder to see the dragonflies skiff along the water and look for some wildlife along the shore. Maybe, if I become very brave, I will try skinny dipping in the cold waters. Just to feel alive and because I can.