Marriage Thoughts

I have been doing a lot of thinking about marriage, analyzing mine & studying others. I thought I would record some of my thoughts so that I can read them later when I have forgotten the lessons I have been learning.

Divide & Conquer- is a myth. For some reason, Tim & I fell into the division of labor trap. I took care of the house, the kids, the budget & the homeschooling. He took care of providing for us, the outside of the house, vehicle maintenance, and larger projects. We approached most things as divide and conquer. Guess what? It taught us to work independently. It created a "Return & Report" feeling instead of a teamwork feeling. It also let each of us feel less responsible for the others' "duties." As a child, I went through the terrible twos. My mom told me that my favorite sayings those years was, "I do it myself!" I didn't want any help and heaven help anyone who tried. Call me a late learner, but I think I took the "I do it myself!" attitude into marriage. So many times it is easier than teamwork.

Together - If I could have a do-over, my theme would be "I do it together." Cook together, eat together, clean together, yard work together, budget together, change the oil together, bathe the kids together, homeschool together, work out together, play together, etc.

Ideas in Living Color:
Meghan & Jon- had a competition between them. Push-ups for him & sit-ups for her. I love that. They read books together. Once she told me that for their date night they went back home and read "The Count of Monte Cristo" together. They also attend the temple together even though it is a huge committment of time, money, & energy. I love their commitment to attend together even though it would be sooooo much easier to tag team (that pesky divide & conquer!)
Jay & Alisa - Jay came home the other night when I was there & immediately starting putting the house back together & helped her with dinner. I have seen him bathing their kids. Once I was at their house on a Sat. and Alisa asked Jay what he wanted to have happen with the discipline of one of their kids. I made a mental note of the parenting teamwork.
Sara & Shawn- Shawn reads books to Caleb while Sara reads books to the girls when they put them to bed. They both snuggle & tuck in their kids at night - together, at the same time. Not one watching tv & taking turns to say goodnight to their kids.
Ben & Judi- They cook together, at the same time, in the same space. Sunday nights they both sit down with their school age kids and go through their books and they decide together what the homeschool assignments will be for that coming week. Ben takes the kids and they all cheer for Judi at her running races. And they participate as a family in the kid runs.
Kevan & Klarissa- run together. They ran 3 miles together two nights ago. They also work out with their kids. I love that.
Cindi & Ken - read the scriptures with their kids together, as a family. They have are diligent even though they only have some of their kids half the time.
Warren & Micki- Sit down together & budget. When I lived with them, he would write it up & then they kicked all of us out of the kitchen (they had 8 kids + me) and discussed it together for 30 mins. They also fast as a family together every month. And everyone helps make Sunday dinner together.
Bobbi & Tony- play with their kids together. Everytime I pick up Ryan from their house they are doing something with their kids together. Once they were playing on the slip & slide - all of them. Another time they were playing the wii. I've seen them all together playing basketball, volleyball, & swimming. Last week, they were reading a book aloud on the couch - the boys were all freshly bathed & in their jammies & they were all smushed up together on the love seat. Love that.
My Mom & Dad - worked together. I have so many memories of cutting wood, planting the garden, canning, or building fence together. I hated doing the chores on the farm by myself, but I loved doing them with another family member.
Vickie & Clark- talk together. I would see them taking walks together all the time in Oregon. Once, we spent the night at their house and in the evening, when all the kids were in bed, they would talk together. No tv, just some soft music, reading & talking.

Which brings me to my next observation. TV. We didn't have one that work most of the years growing up. It did work with the VCR so we would have family movie night on Sat. nights as a reward because in our house "Saturday was a work day". I truly hate tv. It is a vortex that drags me down to hours of idleness. And I have noticed that most of the families that I take note of either do not have a tv or they rarely watch it. Tim & I sold our ancient tv when we first moved to Oklahoma and were tv free for almost a year. At the time, I was the one who wanted one when a friend offered an old one to us. Tim was gone to school ALL THE TIME and I was very lonely in a new city with a one year old. Our computer & stereo had been stolen a few weeks after we arrived here & I was very lonely. If I could have my do-over, I would have gotten gotten a library pass. I wonder how different our marriage would have been if we hadn't had that diversion. For us, tv created a lot of wasted moments. It created a lot of envy & false expectations of what the "Jones" had. In later years it created a gulf between Tim & I as I didn't want to watch some of the shows he was interested in. In the evenings, I would end up on the computer while he was watching tv. No togetherness.

So, those are some of my thoughts. Interestly enough, this divorce has made me believe in marriage even more. Eternal love is real. It is tangible. It is possible. It is togetherness.

"I do it together."