Eleven Years Ago Today - (long)

Today my boy turns 11. Time is flying by yet my mother's heart holds so many memories, so many moments, that it feels impossible to have had them all happen in 11 short years. But let me start at the beginning...

It took us 5 months to get pregnant. I was starting to feel nagging concerns that maybe something was wrong. When it happened, I remember looking at the stick and feeling like I had just jumped off a cliff. I was excited and scared at the same time. I wasn't going to tell Tim right off. We had just moved into a condo (our 3rd move in 6 months of marriage) and my teenage sister was living with us. I wanted to figure out some cute way to tell him and maybe get used to the idea myself a bit first. But then that night I was laying down on my bed in the soft glow of lamp light reading some chapter for school when he came home from work. He came in, sat beside me & kissed me, and it just came out. "I am pregnant." I will never forget his reaction. "Really? Really?" and he touched my stomach so gently. I have only seen Tim cry once - that night. His eyes filled with tears and one trickled down his cheek. "Really." I said with a smile as tears filled my eyes. Much of my fear washed away with his tear. We were so happy. How could we love someone so tiny, so unknown to us, so much? I don't know but we did.

I went to the clinic a day or two later to confirm everything. I estimated that I was only a couple of weeks along but learned that you count back to your last period so I was just over 5 weeks pregnant! What a jump! It definitely made it more real. About two weeks later it started to feel very real. I forgot to include morning sickness in my schedule when I signed up for classes that semester. At the time I had to get up at 5:30 to get ready for the day, leave by 6:30 or quarter to 7:00 (depending on the roads) and drive sister to high school and then hustle to my 7:30 class - Utah State History. I was in classes until 11:30 when I then drove to my job at the bank and worked from noon until closing 6:00ish, drove home, made something quick for dinner & studied. Enter morning sickness. I would be fine until just as we were suppose to leave. Sara spent quite a few mornings watching the morning shows with her coat & back pack on while I was considering the intricacies of pregnancy in the bathroom. We ended up with a routine - get ready, throw up, quickly drop her off, drive to school, and then throw up between each class. Tim would stand outside the girl's bathroom door at school and have words of encouragement & a big hug ready when I finally emerged. I was very blessed to have a very understanding teacher in my 7:30 class, Dr. Sadler, and I was grateful for my C that semester.

Eventually, the morning sickness ebbed around the end of the fourth month (finally!) I wasn't showing much and I actually applied for a new job at a medically clinic and was hired. I debated in the interview if I should say anything and in the end decided I wanted to be upfront. I told the would be supervisor that I was 5 months pregnant and asked if that would be a problem. Her eyes teared up and she said "Absolutely not." Turns out that she lost a baby to SIDS after years of trying. Soon after she went through a very nasty divorce. Her mother's heart was thrilled for me. When I started the job no one knew I was pregnant - I still wasn't showing. After 3 weeks of training, our clinic opened and I was definitely pregnant in the picture that was taken at the grand opening. In fact, I looked like I was about to deliver!

I spent the summer working, attending a maternity water aerobics class (loved it!) and taking my last class for my degree. I continued to get big - I think others were dismayed. Around 7 months I went back to the bank to see everyone and one of the girls asked if I was having triplets! Just a word of wisdom- do not comment on a pregnant woman's size. Her hormones and self confidence are are already suffering and she should not be held accountable anything that she says or does. (I pasted on a smile and cried all the way home.)

The doctor that I saw owned an ultrasound machine so I got an ultrasound at every appointment. I thought that was standard for everyone and didn't realize until much later that it wasn't. I have a video of Ryan from the very first. With all those ultrasounds it was impossible to not know what gender was coming to our home! We were very excited.

So, eleven years ago today. I woke up VERY tired. Tim had already left for school and I spent over 2 hours getting dressed. I just didn't feel well. I didn't have any energy. I showered and then layed on the couch for 20 mins. to regain my energy. I got dressed in spurts. Finally, I made it out the door to meet Tim at the financial advisor's office to roll over our 401K's from past jobs. On the drive, I realized I was having contractions. I have no idea what the advisor said because I would squeeze Tim's hand through each contraction and he was timing them - 5 mins. In the parking lot we discussed our options. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I still had 2.5 weeks to go. They would just laugh at me and send me home. I had been to my OB the day before and while I was fully effaced, I was only diated to a 2. We had a ways to go. Anyway, I argued, I worked at a medical clinic with 10 doctors. I would be fine. So we parted ways & I went to work. My face must have been expressive because it didn't take long before my supervisor got the LPN who strongly suggested I go to the hospital. I called Tim & he met me at home to quickly pack a bag. I was so sure that it wasn't going to happen I made him leave it in the car when we got to the hospital. They made me walk 45 mins and then re-checked me. I got to practice my lamaze breathing during that walk! When they re-checked me, I was dialated to an 8. We were having a baby. The nurse could even see Ry's head and said he had red hair about an inch long. The nurse was worried that I wouldn't make it until 8:00p.m. when my doctor came on duty. They started talking about breaking my water. For all the talk of a quick labor, it didn't go that way. I pushed for almost an hour. Ry was turned wrong and I couldn't get him out. They started talking about ceaserean. Finally, the doctor got him turned and out he came at 10:07 p.m. weighing 8 lbs. 6 oz. We were estatic. Our joy was quickly replaced with fear. He wasn't breathing like he needed too. They let me hold him for literally 3 seconds when they whisked him off to NICU. Family & friends had left for a variety of reasons and I waited alone for news. Those next 3 hours were very hard. I prayed some of my most earnest prayers during those hours. Finally, Tim came back. They had "vacuumed" his lungs and he was breathing well now. However, they discovered that his blood sugar was dangerously low. He was staying in NICU. Tim told me he had given him a blessing and apologized - he had chosen from the two names we had discussed and blessed him Ryan Hunter Mills. I knew that was his name when I first saw him so I was fine with it.

Finally, at 3a.m. I was wheeled to NICU to meet my dear boy. How do I express that moment? It was like putting a face to someone I had always known. He was perfect. Those moments are some of the tenderest of my life.

My new mother's heart knew he needed breast milk. As his blood sugar continued to drop through the rest of the night and then next day, I knew. I pumped non-stop and finally had 2 cc of liquid gold. We gave it to him in the morning of Sun. Oct. 19 and finally his blood sugar turned around. It went up & continued climbing. They let me stay with him in the NICU bonding room on Sunday night so that I wouldn't have to go home without my baby and they released him on Monday afternoon with a blood sugar in the 40s - still low but it had been as low as 17. I remeber leaving the hospital feeling awed that they were trusting me with this baby. I was a mother. I kept saying it over in my mind and watched him all the time, trying to make it all seem real.

I love being a mother. I love being his mother. He has made me laugh more than any other. I love the adventures - him following me around the house in his walker, candy up the nose, playing in the rain & mud, bike riding around Lake Hefner, building snowmen in the yard, hiking up Silver Falls, playing in the ocean, light saber fights, lotion letters after a bath, snuggling in the rocker with tons of books, reading chapter books together, building legos, playing games, washing dishes together & talking, building tree houses outside & tent forts inside, car discussions, dancing in the living room to loud music, hot chocolate on the couch with a good book, watching all my Jane Austin movies together, singing primary songs together when I tuck him in bed & talking about the best & worse part of the day. I love it when he doesn't have a worse part of the day.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to homeschool him until 4th grade. I love reading books with him, learning history together, making things together, discovering science together. I will never forget reading "Summer of the Monkeys" and "Where the Red Fern Grows" together - laughing until our cheeks hurt and crying silently together & holding hands as we drove to McAlester listening to the final chapters of "Red Fern." We have had amazing conversations that I treasure. I am constantly awed at his understanding & maturity of things that never entered my head at his age. Being his mom makes so many things worth it.

So Ry Pie- Happy Birthday! I love your guts. You were dearly wanted before your birth and you are my greatest treasure. I love the young man you are growing up to be. I love your smile, your resourcefulness, your positive attitude, your testimony of the gospel, your understanding of deep things. I love you.