Mother's Day 2011

I wrote this last Mother's Day but didn't get it published. More like a journal entry but I finally decided to share it.

I want to record this weekend before I forget. This weekend is the last weekend that Ryan will be with me for some time. For the next 5 weekends, he will go to his dad's. I set aside some appointments for me (hair) and left my huge bag of grading at school and decided to focus on him.

Sat.
We slept in. Glorious! We leisurely made our way through a morning routine. I purchased our plane tickets online for the summer. Eventually we were ready to go by noon. We left for the science museum- just us. One the way, we talked through the car wash. Once there, we rode the Segways together - my first time. We worked together to make the pulley contraption move the weight. We had robot arm wars. Ryan rode the flight simulator and lets just say I don't think I will ever ride with him as a pilot - he clipped a few trees, seems to love rolling the plane and I suspect it was a crash landing. We shared a basket of fries and walked around the gardens. I had no idea the gardens where there and they are gorgeous! We dreamt together what we would like in our dream backyard. We watched the Extreme Sports Imax movie which now has Ryan regretting he signed up for Snowboarding for his Snow Sports merit badge. :)

Once home, I switched laundry and played on the internet, while Ryan mowed the lawn. Then he played on the internet while I weeded the flower beds. He opted to stay home while I ran a mother's day gift to a friend. While out, I remembered I needed to pick something up from a sister in our ward. She didn't have my item, but I was able to spend a few minutes talking with a sister I haven't seen in a long time. We both lost our husbands around the same time - mine to divorce and her's to death. It was good to talk to her. Afterward, I ran to Walmart for a few things. Once home we had a late night dinner of salmon, stir fry veggies and rice - some of Ry's favorites.
Sunday began with the 6am alarm as church begins at 8. We got going and were there early. I remembered to wear my locket from my parents. I felt emotional before we even left! The hymns always bring a lump to my throat and I spent most of the time holding the book and wiping tears. The sacrament hymn was "I Stand All Amazed" - I love that song and sing it often to Ry when I am tucking him in at night. I love watching Ryan pass the sacrament. The talks were wonderful - some of the best I've heard on Mother's Day. They were from the heart, personal, intimate stories. They spoke of Christ, they uplifted and inspired. I loved them. After, I gave my first primary lesson on John ch. 9. It went well and I could see the kids were paying attention.

After church, the missionaries came over for dinner. We had baked french toast with homemade syrup, apples and apple dip and smoothies. Lots of sugar today! After dinner, we pulled out the conversation jar and shared "one funny and one spiritual story from our college days" (or school days in Ryan's case) We shared the Lamb of God cd music with them and some of Molly Davis' cd and sent them home with a bar of my favorite soap.
I took a nap. Afterward, I made up some pans of baked french toast and some apple dip and delivered to some of the best mom's I know. I spent time talking at two of the homes. At the end of the evening, I felt like I had been a ministering angel. And I had followed the spirit - at the last minute, I had changed my delivery route and was were I needed to be at the right time.

I got home late - 10pm, but I never wanted the weekend to end so we put in Secretariat and watched together until we fell asleep. It was a good weekend - a beautiful weekend that didn't end up how I had planned. We ended up doing most of the things that Ryan wanted to do. Mother's day weekend this year was one of the best but mostly because most of it wasn't about me - It was about Ryan and serving so many around me. My cup is dripping down the sides...

Motherhood

I have some thoughts I'd like to share about motherhood. I've thought about them for a long time, so hopefully soon, I will find a way to share them on paper (monitor?) in a concise, intelligible manner. In the meantime, I ran across this artist and this talk that she gave at BYU education week. Wow. I love what she says about being a mother and family. I went through the 31 domestic paintings first and then went back through them as I listened to her talk (it is about 20+ mins. long.) and then fell in love with them, or rather the message they share and the thoughts, determinations, appreciation they have inspired. Which one is your favorite and why? (I'll share my favs and why in a couple of days.)
Julie

I am...

I love, love, love this!

Time Machines

So when I came home last evening, Ryan had completely torn his room apart and was deep cleaning and purging. He does this about twice a year although I've never seen it to quite this extent. If fact he couldn't finish it all yesterday and is finishing the last bit today. I love that he is not a pack rat. I love that he has his own messy breaking point, although his is a bit further down the line than mine. I guess he is growing up as this time he purged all of his bookshelves and had garbage bag full of books that he had "outgrown". I looked through the bag and memories came flooding back. Suddenly I was sitting in the recliner reading "Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear?" to him sitting on my lap until we had most of it memorized. Sweet, sweet memories.

The other day I opened a tiny sample of baby lotion that had come in an order of stuff. Instantly, memories so real I could actually feel them came crashing around me. Lotion-ing Ryan when he was tiny. He was such a spindly little thing and would snuggle into my shoulder after I got him dressed. Lotion-ing Shelby on my bed. I could feel her fat baby thighs and rolls. I could hear the giggles of the girls as I wrote lotion letters on their backs and it tickled. Sweet, sweet memories...

Mother's Day 2010

This Mother's Day has been filled with so many mixed emotions, many felt in the same moments. I have always been staunch in feeling that today wasn't about me and my mothering opportunities or abilities, but rather about my mother and grandmothers. I have heard of others who won't attend church on Mother's Day, their disappointed desires making it too difficult and I have never quite understood that. And in the past, I have found tender mercies on this day.  So, when earlier this week I began to analyze my mothering reality and compare it to my expectations, I was a bit unprepared for the sea of emotions that followed~

Humbled~ that would be the overriding emotion this past week. Humbled that I have this blessing. Humbled that the Lord thinks I am capable. Humbled by my inadequacies. Humbled by my blessings. Humbled by the promises of the future.

Gratitude~ that I have the opportunity to be a mother to many kids around me and that I can feel that blessing. I have been thinking much of the little girls that we fostered for so long and almost adopted. Missing them. Grieving for them. Tim asked for a divorce four weeks after they left and I am just now beginning to feel the heartache of their loss. But even though my heart aches, I am so grateful for those beautiful kids and I would do it all again in heartbeat. I often try to imagine how Shelby would look now. She is 6 years old now - almost 7 and in school. I wonder how long her hair is... Are her eyes still so clear blue?  Does she still love to smile and laugh? A friend ran into Shaye and Dasia the other day and called to tell me how cute they were. I miss them the most on Sunday afternoons when I would braid their hair for the week. I miss Shaye's gorgeous, shy smile and Dasia's mischievous laughing eyes.

Working in a low income school, I have the opportunity to be a stand in mother for some of my students.  I have gone to games, helped with homework, cheered, advocated, and cried with and for so many of my students. I tell them almost everyday that I love their guts and I really do. They are amazing. I am so grateful to feel love for them. They are not just a job and I am not just a teacher. They are my students. They are part of my heart.

Aching~ for the missing kiddos. For the feel of a sleeping babe in my arms. For the bowls of cereal dumped in their hair and the dimpling smile and twinkling eyes peeking out from under the bowl. For the squeals of delights as they run as I chase them. For the mad little pouts when they don't get their way and the full blown tantrums in the store. For the hugs and snuggles and slobbery kisses. For the funny things they say and the guileless honesty.

Blessed~ There are some things I know I've done right for me and I cherish those blessings & memories. When I was pregnant with Ryan, someone made a comment to the effect that you never hear grandparents say they regret holding their children so much. It struck me and so I was a holder (still am.)  I rocked Ryan and all the girls for years, every night, many times all  three on my lap at a time. And I do not regret a single millisecond.

Another blessing has been bedtime. Since Ryan was born, I have sung a specific song to him that I learned on my mission. As each of the foster kids came, each of them had their own song that would come to me and I would sing it to them, often a few times each night as they drifted off to sleep. A miracle happens every night and still surprises me every time. While I have spent a good portion of my life around many musically talented people, I am not naturally musical. I don't sing well. I don't know how to read music or stay on pitch. Yet every night when I sing to my kids, I can sing. I can sing well. I can sing parts and play with the melodies. I can stay on pitch. And each night I feel again the miracle of the blessing.

Every night as I tuck my kiddo(s) in bed, I have always had two questions - What was the best part of the day? and What was the worse part of the day? Over the last year I have added the question, Who did you help today? These conversations have been amazing, such a blessing. I have loved seeing the day through the eyes of a child.


There are other things that I am grateful that I was prompted to do as a parent. Books we have read, traditions we have created, discussions we have had. I love my son. I am so grateful for his choices that brought him to my life.  I started writing this post thinking of the many shortcomings I feel as a mother yet all I can think of now are the blessings. I guess that is how it should be.

Lastly, I want to record this Mother's Day-
Saturday, our friend Blayne brought over his lawn mower and worked with Ryan and his two sons and mowed our lawn. I love, love, love a nice lawn and this was such a gift. Then they all went to the Allsups and Ryan helped mow their lawn. Blayne took all the boys fishing where they caught Mother's Day dinner - 5 large Walleye for after church the next day. (It was delish! I love fish!)  And Kim sent him home with a gift bag - a gift she helped him with. My gift was perfect~ a silhouette of Ryan. Absolutely perfect.

Sunday, Ryan nervously prepared his first talk in Sacrament meeting. He did great! He made me smile and tear up. He wrote the talk by himself and I am so proud of him for accepting such a daunting invitation. I am grateful that our faith gives twelve year olds the opportunity to speak in front of 200 people for 3-5 mins.  I was so grateful to see Alisa's mother at church. When my mom knew that her illnesses were terminal, she gave each of us four daughters matching Black Hills Gold lockets. I wear mine when I am missing her or thinking of her or for many family occasions. As I was sitting in church, I realized that I had forgotten my locket and the tears welled up. As I saw Angela sitting by Alisa, I felt like I could feel my mom close by and her love washed over me. I respect Angela so much and for a tiny moment, she was my stand in mom.

I am so grateful for the priceless blessing of friends. I am so grateful to be a woman, to be a "mother of all living" each and every day. It was a perfect day at sea.

Happy Mother's Day!

We have celebrated Mother's Day all week long. On Tuesday, Ry & I went with our friends Cheri & Jessica to see Ry's very first off broadway Musical - LION KING! It was amazing, wonderful, soooooo much fun. It was the perfect musical for his first professional theater experience. Then, on Thursday, my class went on their annual fieldtrip to the zoo. I teach in an inner city school and most of the kids had never been to the zoo. It was so much fun to see them light up and get so excited about every animal. The Oklahoma City Zoo is one of the best in the Nation - literally it is in the top 10. Ryan & I discussed it and decided to buy a membership and we went together yesterday. The weather was perfect and it felt so good to be out walking in the sunshine with my favorite person on the planet.

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner. This requires a bit more work as I now feed 4 nineteen year olds but it really was worth it. I finally found the perfect dinner for missionaries. We had breakfast for dinner. I make French Toast bake w/ the yummiest homemade syrup ever, Scrambled eggs/bacon/hashbrowns medley, and fruit w/ carmel fruit dip. You know you score when the Elders comment "It smells amazing in here!" when they walk in & then proceed to have thirds! After dinner we played a few rounds of Seek! - a scripture trivia game we got for Easter that was a ton of fun and they shared a great message with us. Hands down one of the best times ever with the Elders. So much fun!

After cleaning up, Ryan gave me his Mother's Day gift. This post will never do this gift justice. First, he wrote me the most beautiful card with a letter specifically mentioning his favorite times together. Then he gave me a wrapped gift he made at school over the last month. It was a hard bound autobiography of him titled "All About Me, Myself, and I". About 6 weeks ago, his language arts teacher had me fill out a paper with 12 blank boxes on it, one for each year of his life. I had to fill each box with as many memories of Ryan for that year as I could fit into the box. It took me almost three hours to do it and then we had to send in pictures as well. Over the last month, he has taken those notes and written his autobiography & decorated each page and the cover as well. It turned out so good! I cried as I read it. It was the best Mother's Day gift I have ever received.

To top off the evening- We stayed up late and watch "Hotel for Dogs" together. It is a cute movie but it was more about having a fun time together. This morning I slept in, woke up to a clean house and relived some wonderful memories. For Easter, I splurged on me. I have always loved Willow Tree and I finally bought my first piece. I love it. I really wanted something special to mark this new life of mine and this fit perfectly. Well, enough about me. I would like to dedicate the rest of this monster post to some of the mother's in my life.

First, my former Mother in Law, Sandy. If I could only use one word to describe her it would be supportive. A second word would be encouraging. She has always been there. Even through this last year, she has reached out to me in loving ways. One of the harder things with the divorce was having to say goodbye to my in-law family. Sandy has helped me find ways to keep our relationship alive even though it is different now.

Second, my step-mom, Sandy. From personal experience, Sandy has known the devastation of divorce. Last July, she spent hours making me a quilt with my favorite scriptures printed on it and custom decorated blocks from all of my extended family. It has meant a lot to be able to wrap up in a quilt from home so many times this past year. She has also been a great cheerleader over the past year with my job. She teaches music in Washington and has sent me tons of great educational links & funnies. Thank you!

Lastly, my mom. I have been missing her a lot lately. I was looking for something today and ran across a post about my mom that I wrote on her birthday last year. I feel the same & you can read it here. I also agree with the comments my sisters added. I have a hard time talking about my mom. She was so full of life, such a character. Anything I say doesn't really do her justice. I really wish that I could have known her as an adult. I wish that we could have become close friends. I ran across this youtube video the other day and knew I wanted to post it today. It reminds me so much of my childhood. I grew up on a farm where money was tight but love was not. Some of my favorite memories are green beans in the garden, clothes on the line and barefoot kids running through the summer, riding horses, farm chores, and Dad & Jack (Dad's old Navy buddy) singing folk songs with the guitar & harmonica. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it-



Thank you to all the moms in my life. Thank you to so many of you that are examples to me. And to all of you who feel the ache of motherhood, the longing for more little ones, I love you. Remember the Lord knows us. He loves us and those blessings will be ours. Find joy in the journey and endure it well.