The Power of One

I can't express how much I love this example. (Tee - it is a South Florida branch)

A Love-Hate Kind of Day

I love that I made it to Spring Break.
I hate that Ryan has left for part of Spring Break.
I love that I will be able to get sooooo many projects done while he is gone.
I hate that I will work at the school during Spring Break.
I love that we are going to PLAY when he gets home.
I hate that I came home to an empty house tonight.
I Love that Ryan called me tonight just to tell me about his day & that he misses me.
I hate that Tim got married today.
I love that Tim got married today & that Ryan got to be the ring bearer.
I hate that life is not fair.
I love that in the end, I won't care that life isn't fair. With the gospel, it is all good. Hard but good.

One year ago today...

Tim asked me, "If we got divorced, would you take Ryan & move to Washington to be with your family?" His words seemed like a foreign language, but his tone of voice immediately got my attention. This wasn't a "what if" tone. It was a making plans tone.

I didn't even know what to say. Finally, I stammered out, "what are you talking about? We are married. I am not going anywhere." My brain wouldn't compute for a few weeks that he was.

I have been dreading the anniversaries that have been awaiting me. February 22, 2008 was our last date night together to the Ward Valentines Day party. I had thought we had such a good time. I am so grateful to good friends and a loving Father in Heaven that allowed that day to pass virtually unnoticed by me.

As I sat in Stake Conference today, I let the past year wash over me. As I replayed the year in my mind, I was overwhelmed by the Lord's blessings. I feel so much stronger than I was a year ago - I almost don't recognize the woman I was then and I know where that strength has come from. It wasn't me.

I recently saw a picture of Christ praying in Gethsemane and the speaker questioned how would we act if we could hear Christ praying for us. In a strange way, I feel like I have felt him praying for me this past year. It has made me stronger, try harder, softened my heart, and brought me closer to the Spirit. Today, one of the speakers talked about trials and how at the end of them, looking back, we gain a certain gratitude for them. I still wish that I wasn't divorced. I wish that Ryan could have had the amazing blessing of growing up with both of his parents, parents that loved each other. But since this did happen, I am so very, very grateful for the blessings & lessons & strength from the Lord.

Come What May and Love It

I was a bit teary eyed watching this. Enjoy~

Tree of Life

When everything was falling apart in my marriage last year, I had some hard decisions to make. I did not want my marriage to end. I did not want to be divorced. I did not want to be a failure. For a few days I considered the choices before me and as I was rationalizing their merit, I had a dream of the Tree of Life. The experience was very personal and I tearfully shared bits of it with my dad. A week or so later, this print showed up at my door from my parents with their offer to pay to have it framed. It has taken 6 months, but I finally got it framed and it now hangs in my living room.

The Tree of Life has become an important symbol for me. Soon after the dream, I went to a friend's high school graduation dinner. The centerpieces were these amazing candle trees that I loved, kind of like this one. I know I took a picture but I can't find it this morning. One of these days, I am going to find that tree and buy one for my bedroom.

For Christmas, I finally spent a gift certificate that Tim gave me to Sam Moon's. I used it to fill my stocking with beautiful things. One of the things I found was this beautiful necklace.

I am wearing it in my profile picture.

Oh, there is so much I could say. So much I would probably regret saying. A young lady gave a talk in our ward a few years ago about the difference between "clinging to" the rod of iron and "holding fast to" the rod of iron. I have definitely had my "clinging to" moments this past year. They are getting slightly less frequent, at times I feel like I can catch my breath. A few weeks ago I was pondering the "fairness" of everything. They say wickedness never was happiness but the world sure does make it look happy. At times, righteousness has felt like loneliness. As I was struggling with my internal debate, these scriptures were pointed out in Sunday School -

"Ye have said, It is vain to serve God; and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinance, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?
And now we call the proud happy; yea, they that work wickedness are set up; yea, they that tempt God are even delivered.
Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another; and the Lord hearkened, and heard it, and the book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the Lord, and that thought upon his name.
And they shall be mine, saith the Lord of Hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them, as a man spareth his own son that serveth him."
Malachi 3:14-17

A friend pointed out that we all sin. There are not any good sins. All drive us away from our Heavenly Father and keep us from his presence. Pres. Henry B. Eyring said, "I hope I am always able to be tolerant of those who sin differently than I do." I am not sure why things look so inviting in the Large and Spacious Building. I don't understand the workings of the Lord, but I do know that He does work in our lives. Maybe things won't appear to be just or fair in this life but I have come to feel strongly that the loneliness of holding fast to the iron rod will be worth it - "And they shall be mine." saith the Lord of Hosts.

Return & Report

Only a few days late. I did loose my one pound last week! Minding my portions definitely needs more work. I am so busy during the day that I don't eat much but then by evening I am starving. This week I have been doing a few things to even out my eating so that my portions can be consistent.

I was re-reading what I wrote for my Small Steps last week and noticed a mis-spelling. I meant to write that I would work on my prayers - quantity and quality. Instead I wrote - quality and quality. Guess what I had already decided to focus on this next week? I love it when that happens. It feels like a confirmation that I am on the right track. Anyway, I want to improve my efforts in my prayers. I have been praying my whole life and I think that at times I am too casual with the Lord. The other day I was thinking about it and thought - "This is Heavenly Father I am talking too. Heavenly Father!" I definitely want to have a real relationship with Him, but I also want to be more respectful of Him, honor Him, and grateful for Him. Henry B. Eyring said of the last days "...Casual prayer won't be enough." So, for the next few weeks my focus is to be less casual in my prayers.

I am not adding to my Small Steps this week, just tweeking the ones I have already.

A Brand New Year

www.abrandnewyear.lds.org
This is an amazing site! It is the fireside that was held for the youth this last week on New Year's Eve. The videos are wonderful and the music is awesome. You can download all the songs. Check it out- you won't be sorry.

Casual Prayer Won't Be Enough

This makes me want to be better.

Who's on the Lord's Side, Who?

My sister started a blog and posted this beautiful slide show. I had seen it before but really appreciate seeing it again today. I love the hymn "Come, Thou Font of Every Blessing" - it is in my top 5 hymns.

This expresses so many of my feelings lately. Life is hard. Really, really, hard. I don't want to discount that but it is so beautiful too. So wonderful. So sweet. At times, it feels like darkness, evil and the world surrounds me but then I remember - I am on the Lord's side and I feel invincible. I know how the story will end and my heart floods with joy and gratitude and compassion and love and strength. One of my favorite scriptures is Joshua 24:15 "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I am on the Lord's side.