Mother's Day 2010

This Mother's Day has been filled with so many mixed emotions, many felt in the same moments. I have always been staunch in feeling that today wasn't about me and my mothering opportunities or abilities, but rather about my mother and grandmothers. I have heard of others who won't attend church on Mother's Day, their disappointed desires making it too difficult and I have never quite understood that. And in the past, I have found tender mercies on this day.  So, when earlier this week I began to analyze my mothering reality and compare it to my expectations, I was a bit unprepared for the sea of emotions that followed~

Humbled~ that would be the overriding emotion this past week. Humbled that I have this blessing. Humbled that the Lord thinks I am capable. Humbled by my inadequacies. Humbled by my blessings. Humbled by the promises of the future.

Gratitude~ that I have the opportunity to be a mother to many kids around me and that I can feel that blessing. I have been thinking much of the little girls that we fostered for so long and almost adopted. Missing them. Grieving for them. Tim asked for a divorce four weeks after they left and I am just now beginning to feel the heartache of their loss. But even though my heart aches, I am so grateful for those beautiful kids and I would do it all again in heartbeat. I often try to imagine how Shelby would look now. She is 6 years old now - almost 7 and in school. I wonder how long her hair is... Are her eyes still so clear blue?  Does she still love to smile and laugh? A friend ran into Shaye and Dasia the other day and called to tell me how cute they were. I miss them the most on Sunday afternoons when I would braid their hair for the week. I miss Shaye's gorgeous, shy smile and Dasia's mischievous laughing eyes.

Working in a low income school, I have the opportunity to be a stand in mother for some of my students.  I have gone to games, helped with homework, cheered, advocated, and cried with and for so many of my students. I tell them almost everyday that I love their guts and I really do. They are amazing. I am so grateful to feel love for them. They are not just a job and I am not just a teacher. They are my students. They are part of my heart.

Aching~ for the missing kiddos. For the feel of a sleeping babe in my arms. For the bowls of cereal dumped in their hair and the dimpling smile and twinkling eyes peeking out from under the bowl. For the squeals of delights as they run as I chase them. For the mad little pouts when they don't get their way and the full blown tantrums in the store. For the hugs and snuggles and slobbery kisses. For the funny things they say and the guileless honesty.

Blessed~ There are some things I know I've done right for me and I cherish those blessings & memories. When I was pregnant with Ryan, someone made a comment to the effect that you never hear grandparents say they regret holding their children so much. It struck me and so I was a holder (still am.)  I rocked Ryan and all the girls for years, every night, many times all  three on my lap at a time. And I do not regret a single millisecond.

Another blessing has been bedtime. Since Ryan was born, I have sung a specific song to him that I learned on my mission. As each of the foster kids came, each of them had their own song that would come to me and I would sing it to them, often a few times each night as they drifted off to sleep. A miracle happens every night and still surprises me every time. While I have spent a good portion of my life around many musically talented people, I am not naturally musical. I don't sing well. I don't know how to read music or stay on pitch. Yet every night when I sing to my kids, I can sing. I can sing well. I can sing parts and play with the melodies. I can stay on pitch. And each night I feel again the miracle of the blessing.

Every night as I tuck my kiddo(s) in bed, I have always had two questions - What was the best part of the day? and What was the worse part of the day? Over the last year I have added the question, Who did you help today? These conversations have been amazing, such a blessing. I have loved seeing the day through the eyes of a child.


There are other things that I am grateful that I was prompted to do as a parent. Books we have read, traditions we have created, discussions we have had. I love my son. I am so grateful for his choices that brought him to my life.  I started writing this post thinking of the many shortcomings I feel as a mother yet all I can think of now are the blessings. I guess that is how it should be.

Lastly, I want to record this Mother's Day-
Saturday, our friend Blayne brought over his lawn mower and worked with Ryan and his two sons and mowed our lawn. I love, love, love a nice lawn and this was such a gift. Then they all went to the Allsups and Ryan helped mow their lawn. Blayne took all the boys fishing where they caught Mother's Day dinner - 5 large Walleye for after church the next day. (It was delish! I love fish!)  And Kim sent him home with a gift bag - a gift she helped him with. My gift was perfect~ a silhouette of Ryan. Absolutely perfect.

Sunday, Ryan nervously prepared his first talk in Sacrament meeting. He did great! He made me smile and tear up. He wrote the talk by himself and I am so proud of him for accepting such a daunting invitation. I am grateful that our faith gives twelve year olds the opportunity to speak in front of 200 people for 3-5 mins.  I was so grateful to see Alisa's mother at church. When my mom knew that her illnesses were terminal, she gave each of us four daughters matching Black Hills Gold lockets. I wear mine when I am missing her or thinking of her or for many family occasions. As I was sitting in church, I realized that I had forgotten my locket and the tears welled up. As I saw Angela sitting by Alisa, I felt like I could feel my mom close by and her love washed over me. I respect Angela so much and for a tiny moment, she was my stand in mom.

I am so grateful for the priceless blessing of friends. I am so grateful to be a woman, to be a "mother of all living" each and every day. It was a perfect day at sea.

Traditions

Having the rare opportunity to create new traditions, I thought I would share a few highlights of this year. A sweet sister whom I have never met, the mother of my good friend Allyson, made us these beautiful stockings. She sent us 7 to choose from! I let Ryan choose his (he chose the blue one) and then I choose a coordinating one. They are treasures. So beautiful and new. I love them.

Another new tradition for this year - Christmas letters. We each wrote a letter to each other and put it in our stockings. I got a little teary-eyed writing Ryan's and reading what he wrote to me. I am so glad that I started them. This way, we can share with each other even when we don't get to spend Christmas day together. Ryan read his letter first thing this morning.

A couple of traditions that we are going to keep:
Christmas Journal - I started a Christmas Journal when we got married. Each year everyone who has been with us on Christmas day has written a line or two in the book. The last couple of years it fell by the wayside but I dug it out again and we are writing in it today. I want to record these special memories, thoughts and feelings for us to remember for years.

Bethlehem Dinner - On Christmas Eve we have a Bethlehem dinner, eating traditional Jewish food from Christ's time. We sit on pillows on the floor in the living room & eat with our fingers with only the Christmas lights, candles and some Christmas music in the background. Last night the menu was broiled fish, Bulgar pilaf, raisins, grape juice, pita bread & goat cheese. After dinner, we watch the Nativity on TV or read the story from the scriptures or do the candlelight nativity. It is my favorite part of Christmas. I always feel so peaceful on Christmas Eve. (A side note for keeping it real purposes- Ryan was very sick yesterday so I enjoyed our Bethlehem dinner while he laid on the couch with a bowl nearby. It was still fun to watch the Nativity & Joy to the World DVDs together in the Christmas light.)

Christmas Devotional - I wrote a Christmas Devotional book 6 years ago and I love it. This is the first year that it really took off and I have loved reading it with Ryan. One thing I love about it is that it begins on Nov. 30 and goes until Jan. 1 which helps carry the feelings of Christmas into the New Year. The book includes ideas for activities that go along with the devotional for the day. A new tradition that I am gleaning from Alisa is that I will choose an activity for that day and put it in a red envelope to be opened each morning after our devotional. I am so excited about the red envelopes! Some days it will say "Listen to Christmas music all day!" or others may have a more involved activity.

Ornament - Every year we each have had a new Christmas ornament in our stockings on Christmas day. I have always tried to find ornaments that say something about that person or the events of the year. This coming year Ryan will turn 12 yrs old and be old enough to receive the priesthood. This year's ornament has a picture of the three Wisemen and says "Wisemen still seek Him". We talked about him being old enough to seek the Lord and do His work and what he must do to prepare. We talked about the trials that the Wisemen might have endured to get to the Savior. My ornament for this year is a picture of a Phoenix on a silver square. I choose a phoenix because their tears are healing and they rise from the ashes. I wanted it on silver to remind me of the Savior's purifying process. For me, it symbolizes this past year.

A bit of a twist- we are going to exchange our ornaments on Christmas Eve as part of our Bethlehem dinner and enjoy our new ornaments all Christmas day.

Lastly, a tradition that Alisa shared with me that we are going to start next year. We are going to get new PJ's the weekend after Thanksgiving and get to wear them all December. I think it will be fun to have them washed & comfy for Christmas. Plus we will get to have tons of fun memories in them each year - drinking hot cocoa, watching movies, devotionals, etc.

Bittersweet

After 3 hours in the Urgent Care Monday night we found out that Ryan does not have Chicken Pox but rather his skin broke out from the dry Arizona climate when he was out at Grandma & Grandpa's for Thanksgiving. The good news was that he also had a severe sinus infection that was progressing to a whopping ear infection so we left there with an antibiotic prescription and a bruise in his hinny from the steroid shot.

We went to the Journey to Bethlehem program last night. A local church puts on an outdoor (yes it was freezing!) program where we walk through the woods to Bethlehem and meet all sorts of camps of people dressed in biblical clothes & campfires that teach us about Christ's birth. Eventually we got to a huge market place were we danced Jewish dances and then found the baby Jesus in the stable. We have gone 6 years now and it was the best one last night. This church works for 6 months to put this on and they do such a good job. I am so glad we went.

We put up our tree on Tues. night. Both events this week have been bittersweet, but not for the reason that you would think. As we were putting up the tree, Ry made the comment, "Who will put up the angel?" and then answered his own question "I will." In the past that has always been Tim's job. However, other than the angel, it was a year just like every other year, it was just the same. It suddenly hit me. We never put up the tree as a family. Tim always said, "just have you & the kids do it." And we always left the angel for him when he came home. He did go with us once or twice to the Journey to Bethlehem, but again, most of the time, the kids & I went while he worked late. My heart ached with the realization that we had missed opportunities to create family memories. Yet, I was grateful that those mistakes made this year a bit easier. Bittersweet.

I have been realizing mistakes that I made over the years and I share this only to help others not to fall into the same traps I did. With our hectic lives, it is easy to fall into the "divide & conquer" trap in marriage. To alleviate the stress Tim was under during Law School and opening his practice, I took on most of the stuff at home - the budget, the calendar, the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, the traditions. That temporary need became a way of life for us and it led to a disconnect in our family. In the last few years, it was very difficult to bridge the gulf, to try to establish meaningful family times. If I could do things over again, I would not "divide" the labors of a family but seek for ways to work together which, for me, it is much harder to do because it requires more planning, flexibility and time. I would care less about bedtime for the kids and more about decorating the tree as a family, even if it meant staying up to midnight.

So, this holiday season, learn from my mistakes and take the time to celebrate the season together, even if it means you do less. It this case, less is more.

Giving a Shout Out -

for new traditions ideas. I came home a week or so ago to a brown bag on my doorstep. When I opened it, I found an adorable clay Jack-o-Lantern candle holder and a bunch of wonderful smelling votive candles. The note said something about needing new traditions. I would have cute pic for you except my camera won't work. Uggghhh!

Anyway, I digress. I loved the gift and we have used it almost every day. It also got me thinking. I have the unique opportunity to recreate myself a bit. After thinking it over, I do have some traditions that I want to keep. They are special to me and I think they will help Ry as well. However, I would like some new things to mark this new book in my life. So, I am asking for your favorite traditions. Holiday, Birthday, Fast Sunday, Vacation, Fun, etc. Traditions, decorations, music, etc. You get the idea.

So, please share! Or email me privately. Or call me. Or send me a cute card. Or even a not cute card. I promise 15 mins. free babysitting for each tradition shared (that means you need to share a few to have enough time for dinner - even more for dinner & a movie!) For those of you who live far, far away - you know I am good for it!