I so need to be correcting papers right now or writing my class newsletter or drafting lesson plans for next week or watching the training video on the new reading program or... well you get the idea. Instead, I need to take a minute and record a couple of precious moments.

I have been getting up early this school year and the other day happened to be in the living room when Ryan's cell phone alarm went off. I picked it up to turn it off and saw this message - "say ur prayers". My eyes misted a bit as humility and gratitude for this kiddo washed over me. He is so much stronger in the gospel than I ever was at 12. Sometimes I forget his age and expect his testimony and decisions to be that of a mature 30 something. I forget his faith, his understanding beyond his years, his genuine goodness, his desire to be good. I am so grateful for his example to me.

Tonight I watched a friends kids for an hour. I love these kids. They have been a tremendous blessing in my life. They will never know how much good they do with their conversations and wisdoms, their butterfly kisses and lightning quick hugs, their acceptance and love. And I am truly grateful to my friends who let me love their kids. Thank you.

I love being a teacher. I love being a bilingual teacher in a school almost 50% hispanic and a class 80% hispanic. My kids are amazing. I wish I could tell you all of the sweet, wonderful things they do everyday. Or the ways they make me laugh. Or the ways they achieve things I was told by more experienced teachers our students wouldn't and couldn't do.  I don't know how long I will stay in teaching but I am forever grateful for the blessing.

Father's Day

I wrote this post about my dad two years ago on his birthday. There is nothing I would change but I few things I would add. I love my dad. I love his kindness and goodness. I love his example of righteousness, testimony, service. I love him so much for being present in our lives, especially his grandkids' lives. When Ryan turned 12 my dad gave him a special Book of Mormon that he had read and marked up just for Ryan. He wrote his testimony inside and I tear up every time I read it. What a huge gift.

Our family was at a crossroads when my mom died and could easily have drifted apart. Most families do. But my dad kept that from happening. He calls each of us kids and my grandma (my mom's mom) weekly. He figures out a way both time wise and financially to be present at each milestone for all of his children and grandchildren.

Growing up with six kids on one income and with my mom's medical bills, money was often tight or, at times, non-existent.  i am so proud that my dad and step-mom have worked so hard to overcome financial adversity and are debt free. They are a huge inspiration to me. I love that they never gave up. I love that they worked so hard to make it happen. I love the blessings that have come, the opportunities that have come. They have truly turned a stumbling block into a stepping stone.

Lastly, my dad has always wanted to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This coming week my dad, stepmom, step sister, Ryan and I will be set apart as missionaries and participants of the Nauvoo Pageant.  I am deeply touched to have this opportunity to serve with my dad, to see his dream partially fulfilled.

Dad - I love you with all of my heart. Happy Father's Day.
Love,
Julie

Memorial Day 2010

I am blessed with many family & friends that have served our country in the military. I am proud of my ancestors who have sacrificed for what they believed in and served with honor. As I have become friends with military wives, I've seen up close the sacrifices the families make and at times it has broken my heart. It has made me infinitely more grateful. 

My dad was a sailor stationed in Portland, OR when he met my mom. They were married just days before he shipped out and spent the first four years of their marriage apart more than they were together. My mom became determined to meet his ship anytime it was on the West Coast, which often meant working odd jobs, packing everything they owned into unreliable cars & traveling by herself, and living in navy housing. They carefully arranged for my dad to have 3 weeks R&R with my due date in the middle so that my dad could be there for the birth of their first child. I can only imagine the heartache that they must have felt when dad's ship sailed and I hadn't arrived. My mom waved goodbye and then went to live with my grandma so she would have someone to help her when I came. My dad heard that I had safely arrived via a telegram read over the ship's intercom while off the coast of the Philippines during the Vietnam war. He held me for the first time when I was 4 months old. My heart catches a little at some of the pictures of birthdays and Christmases that were obviously taken to send to my dad. I am awed by my mom's strength and sacrifice.

Pioneer Woman has been posting pictures sent in by reader's this week with the theme - "Coming Home". As I looked at each one, my heart is touched by the love, the devotion, the sacrifice. The ones where the father is obviously seeing his child for the first time especially touched me.

My cousin Annette sent me this:

It is the 

VETERAN, 

 not the preacher, 

 who has given us freedom of religion. 

It is 

the VETERAN, 

 not the reporter, 

  who has given us freedom of the press.

It is 

the VETERAN, 

 not the poet, 

who has given us freedom of speech.

   

It is 

the VETERAN, 

not the campus organizer, 

who has given us freedom to assemble. 

    

It is 

the VETERAN, 

 not the lawyer, 

who has given us the right to a fair trial. 

It is 

the VETERAN, 

 not the politician, 

Who has given us the right to vote. 

 

 

 It is 

the VETERAN who 

salutes the Flag, 

 

It is 

the VETERAN who 

serves under the Flag, 

A few months ago, I saw the movie "Taking Chance" - it is the true story of the experience the military escort had in escorting a fallen soldier home. It is deeply moving and I would highly recommend it.

Remember is a huge theme in the scriptures - something we struggle with constantly. Today is a day to remember and honor the soldiers who have served, the pain and sacrifice of their families and to pray for those currently serving. Today, I say ~ Thank you. 

Mother's Day 2010

This Mother's Day has been filled with so many mixed emotions, many felt in the same moments. I have always been staunch in feeling that today wasn't about me and my mothering opportunities or abilities, but rather about my mother and grandmothers. I have heard of others who won't attend church on Mother's Day, their disappointed desires making it too difficult and I have never quite understood that. And in the past, I have found tender mercies on this day.  So, when earlier this week I began to analyze my mothering reality and compare it to my expectations, I was a bit unprepared for the sea of emotions that followed~

Humbled~ that would be the overriding emotion this past week. Humbled that I have this blessing. Humbled that the Lord thinks I am capable. Humbled by my inadequacies. Humbled by my blessings. Humbled by the promises of the future.

Gratitude~ that I have the opportunity to be a mother to many kids around me and that I can feel that blessing. I have been thinking much of the little girls that we fostered for so long and almost adopted. Missing them. Grieving for them. Tim asked for a divorce four weeks after they left and I am just now beginning to feel the heartache of their loss. But even though my heart aches, I am so grateful for those beautiful kids and I would do it all again in heartbeat. I often try to imagine how Shelby would look now. She is 6 years old now - almost 7 and in school. I wonder how long her hair is... Are her eyes still so clear blue?  Does she still love to smile and laugh? A friend ran into Shaye and Dasia the other day and called to tell me how cute they were. I miss them the most on Sunday afternoons when I would braid their hair for the week. I miss Shaye's gorgeous, shy smile and Dasia's mischievous laughing eyes.

Working in a low income school, I have the opportunity to be a stand in mother for some of my students.  I have gone to games, helped with homework, cheered, advocated, and cried with and for so many of my students. I tell them almost everyday that I love their guts and I really do. They are amazing. I am so grateful to feel love for them. They are not just a job and I am not just a teacher. They are my students. They are part of my heart.

Aching~ for the missing kiddos. For the feel of a sleeping babe in my arms. For the bowls of cereal dumped in their hair and the dimpling smile and twinkling eyes peeking out from under the bowl. For the squeals of delights as they run as I chase them. For the mad little pouts when they don't get their way and the full blown tantrums in the store. For the hugs and snuggles and slobbery kisses. For the funny things they say and the guileless honesty.

Blessed~ There are some things I know I've done right for me and I cherish those blessings & memories. When I was pregnant with Ryan, someone made a comment to the effect that you never hear grandparents say they regret holding their children so much. It struck me and so I was a holder (still am.)  I rocked Ryan and all the girls for years, every night, many times all  three on my lap at a time. And I do not regret a single millisecond.

Another blessing has been bedtime. Since Ryan was born, I have sung a specific song to him that I learned on my mission. As each of the foster kids came, each of them had their own song that would come to me and I would sing it to them, often a few times each night as they drifted off to sleep. A miracle happens every night and still surprises me every time. While I have spent a good portion of my life around many musically talented people, I am not naturally musical. I don't sing well. I don't know how to read music or stay on pitch. Yet every night when I sing to my kids, I can sing. I can sing well. I can sing parts and play with the melodies. I can stay on pitch. And each night I feel again the miracle of the blessing.

Every night as I tuck my kiddo(s) in bed, I have always had two questions - What was the best part of the day? and What was the worse part of the day? Over the last year I have added the question, Who did you help today? These conversations have been amazing, such a blessing. I have loved seeing the day through the eyes of a child.


There are other things that I am grateful that I was prompted to do as a parent. Books we have read, traditions we have created, discussions we have had. I love my son. I am so grateful for his choices that brought him to my life.  I started writing this post thinking of the many shortcomings I feel as a mother yet all I can think of now are the blessings. I guess that is how it should be.

Lastly, I want to record this Mother's Day-
Saturday, our friend Blayne brought over his lawn mower and worked with Ryan and his two sons and mowed our lawn. I love, love, love a nice lawn and this was such a gift. Then they all went to the Allsups and Ryan helped mow their lawn. Blayne took all the boys fishing where they caught Mother's Day dinner - 5 large Walleye for after church the next day. (It was delish! I love fish!)  And Kim sent him home with a gift bag - a gift she helped him with. My gift was perfect~ a silhouette of Ryan. Absolutely perfect.

Sunday, Ryan nervously prepared his first talk in Sacrament meeting. He did great! He made me smile and tear up. He wrote the talk by himself and I am so proud of him for accepting such a daunting invitation. I am grateful that our faith gives twelve year olds the opportunity to speak in front of 200 people for 3-5 mins.  I was so grateful to see Alisa's mother at church. When my mom knew that her illnesses were terminal, she gave each of us four daughters matching Black Hills Gold lockets. I wear mine when I am missing her or thinking of her or for many family occasions. As I was sitting in church, I realized that I had forgotten my locket and the tears welled up. As I saw Angela sitting by Alisa, I felt like I could feel my mom close by and her love washed over me. I respect Angela so much and for a tiny moment, she was my stand in mom.

I am so grateful for the priceless blessing of friends. I am so grateful to be a woman, to be a "mother of all living" each and every day. It was a perfect day at sea.

Mary Webster

Saturday, April 17, 2010 ~ There is a funeral starting as I type these words and while I am not there physically, my heart is. This post may take a few days to write. How do you sum up your relationship with someone who has touched your life so profoundly? And the thing is, I know that I was not an isolated case. I know the chapel will be filled and so many more like me who can not be there.

Mary and Wayne Webster are second generation orchardist in the Hood River Valley where I grew up. The Webster family and orchards have been foundational in the development of our small town. If there was such a thing as rural royalty, they would have been it for the valley. As a kid, I thought they could be royalty because of their financial standing. As I grew older and saw their example, I understood they were royalty because of their character.

My first memories are of Brother Webster as the Bishop of our ward. My first memories of tithing settlement are with him. I think my testimony of tithing first started with the good feelings I had after our family met with him.

I became more aware of Sister Webster as I grew older. There was a time with things were financially tough for my family and the church helped us out with food. My mom would let them know what we were in need of and an order would be placed. The problem was that sometimes not everything would come. I remember once the order came and while the peanut butter arrived, the bread did not. Mary showed up a bit later with shopping bags filled with bread and a bunch of fresh produce.

With 6 kids and many a health problems, my mom was not the most organized of housekeepers. And she liked to sew and had a great weakness for fabric. Sister Webster saw a need and talked to my mom. For the next few months she and another sister from church came once a week for 3-4 hours and helped my mom wash, catalog and organize all of her fabric. When they were done, my mom had a 3" binder with bits of fabric stapled to the pages listing the yardage and what box it was in and there were 67 apple boxes of fabric sitting on new shelves. I really can't explain what that service meant or how she endeared herself to our family. In her quiet way and with her cheerful smile, she never judged my mom, but she truly inspired her to do better, to be better. My mom would work extra hard on cleaning the house the night before the "sisters" were coming. She taught my mom, but she also taught us girls even though we were never there (they would come while we were at school.) Each of us have our own fabric and things organized much the way Mary taught my mom.

A few months after they finished the fabric organization, our home caught on fire (the dryer had an electrical short.) It was an extraordinarily hot fire that melted the appliances. The smoke and water damage were severe and most of the house was lost. A day or two after the fire, Bro. Webster called my dad and asked him to stop by the house, that he had some clothes to give him for us. My dad stopped by expecting a bag of clothes by the door. Instead, Bro. Webster took him into his bedroom and opened his closet and told him to pick some suits. In the end, my dad left with more than one suit, his size, straight from Bro. Webster's closet.

In the weeks following the fire, a mammoth mountain of charred remains grew in our front yard as we emptied the house to begin reconstruction. I know that my parents were beginning to worry about how we were going to afford the bill to the dump to get rid of it and how many trips/Saturdays it was going to take. Then one day, it was gone. The Websters had brought in a dump truck and their own orchard work crews and spent the day taking care of it. Not only did they pay for the truck and the dump bill, they paid their workers' wages even though they were not working in the orchard. A bit later, that same crew was paid to sheet rock our house. We moved in that evening. Looking back, I honestly do not know how we would have made it through that time without the Websters. They were angels and the gratitude I feel still makes tears trickle down my cheeks 24 years later.

Over the years, the Websters annually arranged (and I believe sometimes funded) for the performing groups from BYU or Ricks College to come to our little tiny town. Lamanite Generation, Ballroom, Young Ambassadors, Folk Dancers, Showtime Company, and all the choirs came over the years and everyone from miles around came. I was a senior in high school when Showtime Co. came and I LOVED it. I cried when they left and that day walked into the guidance office at school to figure out how to go to college. I spent the next few nights writing essays for every scholarship. I called Mary Webster for tips on how to get to Ricks as her son Scott was a year ahead of me at school and he was there. Four months later, I was a freshman at Ricks College. I applied for the crew and made the cast for Showtime Company. Over the next two years I traveled all over the British Isles and the US with that company. A huge, huge blessing in my life that started from their selfless efforts.

As a single adult, I got a call from Mary one day asking me if I would be in a melodrama for the next ward activity. She was in charge of the Ward activities at the time and they were AMAZING. She figured out ways to involved every. single. person. in the ward. I especially remember the New Year's Eve dance that she organized. It was a night in Paris - complete with a city scape, the Eiffel tower, flower shops, sidewalk cafes, and street lamps. We worked for days setting it up and I had so much fun. I couldn't believe the work and detail she put into every little thing.

More than just their example and service, Mary and Wayne Webster have deeply influenced my life. He was the Patriarch who gave me my blessing. I was the second blessing he gave - his son was first. I know that they helped financially so that I could serve a mission. When I was married in the temple, they paid their orchard crews to landscape their already beautiful yard and hosted our wedding reception.  They attended my mom's funeral and a few months later, their son shared this story at Wayne's funeral. He said that as he was helping his dad into the car after my mom's grave side service that his dad said that he didn't know how much longer he wanted to be around. All of his friends were passing on. I was so stunned to hear that. That he considered us, my parents, our family his friends. Even though we were such different economic circles, we were not a service project to them. We were dear friends.

Mary passed way this past week.  I am so happy for her. She and Wayne are together again and I know that my mom will so happy to see them. I am crying, but they are happy tears. My dad heard the news yesterday and changed his plans to drive 4 hours one way to attend the funeral on behalf of our family. I so wish that I could go home today. To be at the funeral. To pay my very deepest respect to an amazing woman. To mourn with her 8 children and 32 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren. Biologically, we are not related, but I love her as deeply as a mother, sister, and dear friend. Instead, I record my experiences with her and publicly thank her for everything she did for me and my family. Next to my family, the Websters have had the most profound effect on my life. So many things that I hope to be were first shown to me by her example. Literally.

Goodbye sweet Sister. Until we meet again, God be with you~

Here is a link to the tribute her family wrote on their business blog - The Fruit Company

Notebook Memories - Things I always want to remember...

Ryan singing to himself in bed tonight - "The hills are alive with the sound of music La, la, la, la, la." He has the song stuck in his head and has been singing it off and on for the last week or so. Tomorrow night is opening night for his school musical "The Sound of Music" (Yeah Savanah!) and the choir has been practicing during his choir hour.

This reminds me of last year when he was singing all of the songs to Mama Mia! all the time because my friend Alisa played it all the time when she gave him a ride to my school everyday. 

Gotta love when good music gets stuck in their heads!

And on that note - ;)

let me share with you Ryan's science project. I have 3 glass jars in my bedroom window right now with 3 styrofoam cups full of soil under them. One has my iPOD ear bud just above the soil and the little seedling is listening to hymns all day. Another has Ry's ear bud from his MP3 just above the soil and is listening to everything on Ry's MP3. The third is listening to silence. We plug in the devices in the morning and the seedlings listen all day and then I recharge them at night. He is measuring the effects of music on plant life. Is it wrong for the mother in me to be rooting for one seedling over the other? I will let you know the result in two weeks when he finishes the project. 

Lastly- 

Tonight the scouts started working on their Physical Fitness Merit Badge by running 1 mile - 2 1/2 laps around our church and parking lot. One boy in the group fell a lap behind and was struggling a bit to finish. He passed the other boys who had just finished and started on the last lap. After a few minutes, three of the boys who had just finished and were still breathing hard, got up and ran the last lap with this boy. One boy ran behind him with his hand on his back pushing him while the other two boys ran along side. As the four passed me, I listened to these sweet young men encouraging him on, "Come on dude, you can do this. Think of those linemen, we gotta outrun those linemen. Hey, look, we are almost there, you're doing it! Don't stop now, you can do this." Ryan and another boy were about 3/4 of a lap ahead of this boy so they didn't run with him until the very end but as he got closer to the line, they ran out to meet him and cheered him in. I was so proud of these young men tonight and felt privilege to see a glimpse of the men they are becoming.  

A few years ago someone pointed out to me the difference between teenagers and youth. They noted that the leaders of the church ALWAYS  use the term youth. We all know what connotations the word teen or teenagers brings up. We discussed the difference with the word youth. Youth is encouraging, hopeful, active, full of life and ambition.  Youth implies leadership, respect, goals, and solutions. Teen is, at times, a disparaging remark, implying troublemaker, disrespect, lazy, and uncommunicative and is usually followed with a sigh or an eye roll or both by adults. I have remembered the conversation and try hard to always use the term youth. I even call my 3rd graders young men and young ladies. 

Tonight, these 12 yr. old young men really touched my heart. 

Miscellaneous Blessings

So grateful:
  *for unexpected financial miracles, especially the ones that meet needs only known to the Lord and me.
  *for my homeschooling experience. Grades K - 3 are now supplementing with the phonics program I used. Also, the established pattern of mom directed education is proving very helpful in the afterschooling that we are working into our schedule.
   *Excellent friends who spend their time to help me and even more importantly, talk to me.
   *Ryan's science project. I hope we both learn something. More to come on this later.
   *for the sweetest sisters ever who worry about me, check on me, pray for me, and encourage me.

Gathered in this past week - a year's supply of TP.

Life is good...

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Books

Tickle Fights

Homemade Bread

Music (esp. guitar, cello, folk, bagpipes)

The Atonement

Hot Chocolate

Who am I kidding? Chocolate. All kinds.

Flowers from the garden or meadow

Email

Farms

Candles

Long Talks

Family

Pillow fights - always fun until someone looses an eyeball

High Speed Internet

Blogs

Line dried sheets

Hymns

Journals

The Scriptures

A good movie that makes me laugh, cry and want to be a better person

Quilts/warm blankets

Wood Stoves

Homecooked goodness

Ice Cream
Baseball

White Water Rafting

Gardens

Paintings

Contented Sighs

Holding sleeping babies

Dreams & Goals & "Someday I Will"s

Long country drives

Hikes in the woods

Canoe trips

Waterfalls, forests, mountains, lakes

Random Acts of Kindness

Read Alouds

John Bytheway talks

Stars on a clear night (summer or winter)

Snow covered pine trees

Baby Goats

Rabbits

Kindred Spirits

Smell of fresh cut grass

Family road trips (with singing, stories, complaining & crumbs)

Rustic cabins

Sledding

Symbolism

Dancing (esp. clogging, line dancing & swing)

The Gospel

Chocolate (did I mention this? Oh well. It deserves special mention)

Memories

Sleeping under the stars on a warm night

Laughing

Campfires & Campfire stories / songs

Dad's stories: hunting, Patrick McMannis & other

Relaxation

Squeals from little kids when you chase them

Goodness

Fresh, raw green beans straight from the garden

The Collective

The Big Dipper, North Star & Orion's Belt

Status Checks

Smiling eyes & work worn hands

Orchards - esp. in blossom

Tucking in bed & best/worst parts of the day discussions

Toddler kisses

Why questions

My ancestors - farmers & ranchers and all the salt of the earth

Grandpa's Cider

Antiques with stories

Crystal Springs water

The Toboggan

Large Families

Reliable cars, preferably 1 color

My memories of unreliable cars

My Mom's grave site

Mr. G

A little over a week ago, I got a call from a friend whose kids go to Ryan's school. Mr. G, Ryan's math teacher & Boy's Athletics coach, had fallen from his 2nd story roof and suffered a massive skull fracture & brain injury. He made it through surgery, but was in critical condition. Prayer vigils were organized, Christmas funds set up and the community and school rallied around the family and each other. School was a somber occasion last week. On Thursday, Mr. G passed away, leaving behind a dear wife, 4 children (the youngest is in Ryan's class), and a legacy of love for these kids. Yesterday was the funeral and due to some miscommunication, Ryan did not get to attend. After school he walked to the church and said his good bye to the math teacher who told blonde jokes and sold candy to the kids. To the coach who encouraged him.

Ryan goes to a very special school. It is very, very small. The elementary, middle and high school are all on the same block. They share facilities - the cafeteria, auditorium, gym. They support each other in rallies, games, events. They are very close knit. They are family.

A few days ago, someone organized a Chick-fil-A night last night where 15% of all proceeds would go to the family. Someone else organized a T-shirt drive. For family night last night, we had dinner at Chick-Fil-A. Due to homework and the emotions of the day, we didn't get there until almost 7:30. The sight that I saw brought tears to my eyes. It was packed. The drive thru line went around the building. It had been like that most of the day. We had to hustle to get a spot to sit. The employees were so kind and courteous, especially after working such long & busy hours. Outside on the patio, moms were selling Mr. G t-shirts that have "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he had done." Philippians 4:6 printed on the front and "Team Grifiis...We Got Your Back!" on the back.

I am grateful for Ryan's school. For the strength and love and support. I am grateful they have provided a place for him to grieve and grow. I am grateful that we got to go to Chick-Fil-A last night and feel that sweet spirit. I am grateful to be the proud owner of a G t-shirt. I am grateful that our lives are filled with such good people.

This photo blog of fellow parent Jim, tells a bit more of Mr. G. Click on Details at the the top. Mr. G, Superman and the Final Fairway. I really appreciated this quote that Jim shared last week:

When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen -- there will be something to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly. --from Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach

Top Ten Blessings Count

I have tender feelings for the hymns of the gospel. I first felt the spirit as a child singing next to my dad or mom. I have wonderful memories with so many of the hymns and nothing helps me feel the spirit more than their familiar words. Over the last year, the lump in my throat would make it impossible to sing their comforting words but instead the words became the pleas of my heart. Things are better now and I have been able to sing again. I don't sing well or on key (whatever that means) or the right notes, but I don't care. I sing as loud as I want. The words come from my heart.

I didn't get much sleep the last couple of days so maybe that has been why today has been hard. Anyway, I have been thinking of this hymn - "Count Your Blessings"

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Chorus:
Count your blessings; Name them one by one
Count your blessings; See what God hath done
Count your blessings; Name them one by one
Count your many blessings; See what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count you many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

Chorus

When you look at others with their lands and gold
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold
Count your blessings; money can not buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high

Chorus

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

I need to count my blessings. I think the numbness & shock of the last year is starting to wear off. The anger is subsiding and at times I feel overwhelmed with my reality. I am feeling very "tempest tossed." And so the Top Ten Blessing Count begins-

10. I have a job - a huge blessing in the current times. I have the potential to love my job and feel like I make a difference. I make enough money to provide for myself & Ryan. I am grateful that Heavenly Father put me in a job where I get so many sweet notes from kiddos that build up my seriously flagging self-esteem.

9. I am relatively healthy. I am not ill. My body has met my needs. Everyone thinks my gray hairs are new highlights. A Dr. at church has helped my back tremendously and generously made it affordable.

8. I have a cute cottage that has great potential in the adorable spectrum. Not there yet, but if I have a bit of time & money... It has met my needs. I have a great landlord that has provided a listening ear more than once. So many friends have thoughtfully taken care of so many needs and wants.

7. My sweet car runs and is cheap on gas. She is currently all one color without any rust spots. She doesn't leak when it rains. She is very forgiving and has been a true work horse. She needs a name. Lately, I have appreciated her so much that I have been thinking of keeping her until she dies of natural causes years from now. I almost feel disloyal to think of selling her for something better.

6. Sunshine & Spring. I feel hopefully. I itch to plant beautiful flower beds with veggies & flowers. I love the walks, the open doors, the days without the heater or the AC. I love seeing all the people walking around the Lake or hanging out at the baseball park. I wish it could stay 75 - 80 all summer long.

5. Friends. I could never say enough about the incredible people around me. I am so humbled by their examples, their thoughtfulness, their kindnesses, their love. And so many are kindred spirits - the kind of friends that you don't talk to for a year or two and when you do, it is like you just saw each other yesterday. They are the kind of friends that make me what to be a better person.

4. Nauvoo Pageant - the application process taught me some very personal spiritual lessons. The opportunity is almost like a dream that I can't quite believe it going to happen. I listened to the music we need to learn and I got teary-eyed. I just feel this is going to be a huge mile marker in my journey of life and I am so grateful for it. I am grateful to have something to look forward too. I am grateful that I will be there on the one year anniversary of the divorce. So grateful.

3. Family - Over and over again, I am reminded what a special family I have. We definitely have our own brand of disfunction, but at the same time we are amazing. I love my family & I am so grateful that I can call them my best friends as well as family. I am so glad that we get to walk the adventure of life together.

2. Ryan - Some blessings are so special it is very hard to express them. I could never convey what this sweet, obnoxious, wonderful, crazy, silly, wise, endearing boy means to me. He is growing up so fast, especially lately. I feel like the sands in the hour glass are slipping faster and faster and some days I just want to break the hour glass and stop time. I am not ready for him to grow up. I am still learning to live in the moment and soak it up. Yet at other times, I see glimpes of the man he is becoming and I look forward to knowing him as an adult, hearing his opinions and enjoying the ripples in the pond of life that he will make. It is my highest honor to be his mother.

1. The gospel of Jesus Christ is by far my greatest blessing. It gives my life meaning, purpose, and hope. It has provide a constant source of answers, comfort, love, hope, strength, and joy. It has given me an eternal perspective. It has challenged me, educated me, humbled me, and blessed me. I could never express what it means to me. I am so grateful that I know. I know God lives. I know He knows me. I know who Jesus Christ is & what he did. I know the "good news" of the gospel. I know.

I have taken a few days to write this post. I have so many other sweet, crazy, silly, wonderful blessings that I didn't list. My life is truly blest. The song has worked its magic - I am feeling less "tempest tossed" & less sea-sick. I see glimpes of sunlight and an amazing sky before me.

Today's Angel-

A warm, huge Thank You to the sweet man at Auto Zone who spent 15 minutes in 24 degree weather replacing my head light bulb and for patiently teaching my son how to do it for the next time. It warmed my heart to see such compassion. I thought about him tonight as I drove in the dark to a Christmas Carol party that we would not have been able to attend. Some angels wear Auto Zone overalls.

Thank you to all of our Christmas Angels-

So far this Christmas has been amazing. I was feeling very resigned to our situation and hoping to just make the best of it and get to 2009. I should have known. I truly have the best friends in the entire world. I have been surrounded by angels. At the risk of forgetting someone or something, I want to remember this special Christmas filled with angels & miracles:

*Birthday & Christmas gifts from Missouri
*Christmas gifts from 3 loving sisters
*12 Days of Christmas from sisters & a wonderful ward family. So much fun looking forward to the next gift.
*Food, food, and more food- Oranges, candy, fudge, cookies, turkeys, and a huge rubbermaid tub from the Fostercare association.
*New, beautiful stockings from a sweet sister I have never met.
*New-to-Ryan freestanding basketball hoop that two wonderful hometeachers found & delivered.
*Beautiful Christmas music on my new-to-me IPOD from a sweet sister & wonderful friends.
*Christmas cards from angels, especially from my in-laws. It means so much for them to reach out to us right now.

I wrote a Christmas devotional book a few years ago but every year it would fall by the wayside. It has been a treasure to have Ryan remember it each day and read the stories & scriptures together.

Thank you for a wonderful Christmas. It has been hard but it has also been sweet, tender, touching and treasured. Thank you my angels.
Julie

Ringing in the Holiday Season...

with CHICKEN POX!!!!

My deepest apologies to everyone at church. I had no idea. Ry had the vaccine and was deliberately exposed multiple times a few years ago when I was a stay at home mom. Last night he had what looked like his first pimple on his chest. Tonight we counted over 30 and spreading.

While this will cause unknown trauma at work tomorrow, is it bad to be excited about the prospect of some days off to nurse my kiddo back to full health? This is what I get for saying in Gospel Doctrine class today that my plate was full before I got this calling. You gotta love Heavenly Father's sense of humor and the way he sends blessings.

I am here...

I am sorry for neglecting this blog. I have been writing, but only in my journal. I am trying to be more positive, to find joy in my trials, to embrace my new life, to stop living in the past. I am not doing a very good job of it. My heart feels like a rock, heavy and dead. My life feels so unrecognizable, so far away from my dreams and goals. Every time I think, "Ok, I can do this." A new wave of something hits me and I am back to barely keeping my head above water.

My blessing for today: Ryan. I am so grateful for my relationship with him. I am so thankful that we really talk together and that he shares so many of his thoughts & feelings with me. Almost every visitation weekend I find a note from him under my pillow telling me how much he loves me. He has no idea how much he has helped me through this.

I can do this. I can do this. I can...

Blessings From Heaven

Yesterday was payday and I received my first check on a teacher's salary. After I made it to the bank and verified that it was there, I have been giddy; my heart floating with gratitude. We made it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Money will still be tight for a while as I catch up on bills & needs, but for the last few months, every day was a prayer that we could meet our needs, that I would find gas money, milk money, that people could wait until Sept. 19. And you know what? We made it!

My testimony has grown a 100 times more in a couple of areas over the last 7 months. One of those areas has been tithing. I remember having a conversation with my dad a few months after I came home from my mission. It was one of those conversations where you say something and as the words come out of your mouth, they sink into your own heart as well. At times, our family had struggled to pay our tithing and my dad mentioned that it was his experience that sometimes you pay tithing with the expectation that you will be blessed like so many have testified; that a check for the needed money will appear. In his experience, it had not happened. The money never came & then next month the hole was deeper. Suddenly, these words came out of my mouth and whether my dad heard them or not, I did. "But we don't pay tithing expecting a blessing. We pay it because the Lord asks us too." Suddenly I realized, it wasn't a bargain with the Lord. If He never blessed me with temporal means, I was still going to pay it. My faith couldn't be bought with a 10% check. Since that day, my testimony of why I pay tithing has been solid.

Fast forward a few years. Our Bishop in Oregon shared an experience with us about fast offering and we decided on an experiment. We doubled our fast offering the next month. I was amazed at the difference. Answers came and we were able to feel the Lord's guidance in our financial decisions. As we moved to Oklahoma and Tim set up his own practice, we continued with the "double our fast offering principle" when we were really low. Fast offering became our offering of faith. I was able to keep the bills paid, Ryan in multiple activities (that of course all cost money), build our food storage, etc. We were blessed. Looking back, I wish that we had applied the same principle to Tim's business - perhaps it would have fared better.

Over the years, I have always written my tithing check first, but I am ashamed to say, I haven't always paid it first. Many times it sat in my church bag while I spent my week spending money. Suddenly, I would realize that my checkbook showed us in the negative but, as I would rationalize to Tim, "We really aren't because the tithing check hasn't cleared." When my world fell apart a few months ago, I decided that I really was going to pay the Lord first. When I deposited my check(s) I withdrew the cash for tithing (& fast offering if applicable) at the same time. The money still sat in my church bag all week, but it felt paid. I knew the Lord's money was safe from bouncing.

A great peace has settled about me - I have felt honest with the Lord. My faith has been buoyed up and I have not panicked about finances when there have been many times & reasons where panic would have been appropriate. That peace has been the greatest blessing over the last few months. And he has blessed me to overflowing the last few months. I have had countless blessings that have met my needs and wants over the last few months. Some of them absolute miracles that can not be explained. Each one has been a layer to the foundation of my testimony. As I take my turn in the Refiner's fire, I feel so blessed, so grateful. We made it!

Who's on the Lord's Side, Who?

My sister started a blog and posted this beautiful slide show. I had seen it before but really appreciate seeing it again today. I love the hymn "Come, Thou Font of Every Blessing" - it is in my top 5 hymns.

This expresses so many of my feelings lately. Life is hard. Really, really, hard. I don't want to discount that but it is so beautiful too. So wonderful. So sweet. At times, it feels like darkness, evil and the world surrounds me but then I remember - I am on the Lord's side and I feel invincible. I know how the story will end and my heart floods with joy and gratitude and compassion and love and strength. One of my favorite scriptures is Joshua 24:15 "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I am on the Lord's side.