A Love-Hate Kind of Day

I love that I made it to Spring Break.
I hate that Ryan has left for part of Spring Break.
I love that I will be able to get sooooo many projects done while he is gone.
I hate that I will work at the school during Spring Break.
I love that we are going to PLAY when he gets home.
I hate that I came home to an empty house tonight.
I Love that Ryan called me tonight just to tell me about his day & that he misses me.
I hate that Tim got married today.
I love that Tim got married today & that Ryan got to be the ring bearer.
I hate that life is not fair.
I love that in the end, I won't care that life isn't fair. With the gospel, it is all good. Hard but good.

One year ago today...

Tim asked me, "If we got divorced, would you take Ryan & move to Washington to be with your family?" His words seemed like a foreign language, but his tone of voice immediately got my attention. This wasn't a "what if" tone. It was a making plans tone.

I didn't even know what to say. Finally, I stammered out, "what are you talking about? We are married. I am not going anywhere." My brain wouldn't compute for a few weeks that he was.

I have been dreading the anniversaries that have been awaiting me. February 22, 2008 was our last date night together to the Ward Valentines Day party. I had thought we had such a good time. I am so grateful to good friends and a loving Father in Heaven that allowed that day to pass virtually unnoticed by me.

As I sat in Stake Conference today, I let the past year wash over me. As I replayed the year in my mind, I was overwhelmed by the Lord's blessings. I feel so much stronger than I was a year ago - I almost don't recognize the woman I was then and I know where that strength has come from. It wasn't me.

I recently saw a picture of Christ praying in Gethsemane and the speaker questioned how would we act if we could hear Christ praying for us. In a strange way, I feel like I have felt him praying for me this past year. It has made me stronger, try harder, softened my heart, and brought me closer to the Spirit. Today, one of the speakers talked about trials and how at the end of them, looking back, we gain a certain gratitude for them. I still wish that I wasn't divorced. I wish that Ryan could have had the amazing blessing of growing up with both of his parents, parents that loved each other. But since this did happen, I am so very, very grateful for the blessings & lessons & strength from the Lord.

Missing Tim

I used to be frustrated with Tim because he would play games on his cell phone with Ryan during Sacrament meeting. Yesterday, I missed him so much. I could tangibly feel his presence missing during Sacrament and I would have given a lot to have him there playing games with Ryan. I wonder if I will always miss him. Will I ever be able to emotionally move on? Will this be an eternal heartache?

Tim is currently in the hospital with a massive infection in his left leg. He was admitted Thursday. It has been a very strange feeling - I feel like I should be there. I have worried about him physically. I have worried about him emotionally. I have worried about him financially. I have thought about the future. Just a lot to think about...