I Made It

Today was the last day of school. I made it. It was a hard day filled with a lot of emotions. Gratitude. For a long time I really didn't think I was going to make it. May seemed so far away. Then I just crawled into survival mode and kept it together. I am so grateful for the blessings from heaven. I know me and I would not have made it through this year without divine help. Thank you to all who have been a part of those blessings. I can never thank you enough.

Saying goodbye today was hard. I always get so attached and I have never been good at goodbyes. Yet most of my mothering experiences have required goodbyes. Foster parenting, Ryan's visitation and now, teaching. I worry about these kids. Will someone continue to encourage U.'s love of space and dream to be an astronaut? Will someone listen to L. read and keep encouraging her? She is so smart and has had to move so many times just this year. Will someone see past J.'s emotional outbursts and see the wonderful, smart, hurting little boy inside who wants things to go right. Will someone continue to help J. learn to read and speak Spanish so she can talk to her mom? Who will listen to C.'s daily updates of his reading of Harry Potter and help him get money math problems? How long will it take the new teacher to see that my other C. is super energetic, sitting is torture for him, and love him anyway? Will someone see my little E. and see how hard she tries and find the help she needs? I could name them all. I probably will tonight in my journal. You see, the Lord knew that my heart needed all the hugs, notes, silly moments & funny comments this year. He knew I needed these kids. All the times they told me I was the best when I didn't feel like the best. All the times I realized how much I have by seeing how little they have. They have given me much more than I could ever give them.

I needed this year to be over. I need the break, the opportunity to catch my breath, wash my laundry, find the bottom of my kitchen sink, scour my tub, sleep more than 5 hours a night and have time to cook & freeze some decent meals. I need some time to plan some quality lessons now that I have a clue what I am doing so I didn't feel like a complete failure everyday. I need some time to be a mother & enjoy every moment with my growing kiddo. But I really was not ready to say goodbye to these kids. I wish I could spend the summer playing with them & Ryan. Take them all to the pool. Take them to the zoo with me. Take them to museums & for walks up at the lake & to the ballpark. I wish I could have fun with them without the pressure of my curriculum map or the next test. I bought them Popsicles last night and then I forgot them at home in the rush to get out the door. The day was chaotic with a capital C. I felt like I didn't really get to say goodbye. Hopefully, what I said during the year will be enough. If they didn't learn anything this year, I hope that they learned 3 things:

1. I love them.
2. Believe in themselves. They can do hard things and they will do great things.
3. Always, always FINISH STRONG. Do not give up. Always do your best.

Anyway, I am tired with an ache in my heart, but I feel very thankful. A bit teary-eyed but thankful I got to know them. That someone (many someones) trusted me, of all people, with them. Thankful that I made it.