So, How Am I Doing?

Many have asked me how I am doing. The answer varies moment to moment at times. Never have I felt closer to the Lord, protected & blessed by him. Never have I felt farther from my goals, dreams and desires. I am humbled by my blessings. I don't feel worthy of the great goodness that has been shared with me. I am so grateful for the littlest of things - I soak them up & bask in the many people who are close to the Lord and hear His promptings. Daily I feel Him close to me by the words & actions of so many angels. I am so grateful.

I am also ashamed that I have not been there for so many others. I have 3 siblings and a dear friend who have all experienced divorce before me. I talked to them, offered words of comfort and included them in my prayers but I wasn't there for them, especially not the way others have been there for me. Some people have to experience to understand, others can understand others' experiences. I definitely needed to experience divorce to understand its devastation. I am so sorry to you who I love dearly. I hope some good will come of all this and that my heart will always be tender to others' heartache.

I was talking to my brother last night (who has experienced an unexpected & devastating divorce) and he said something that describes some of my feelings. He said that at one point he was angry at his former wife because "she destroyed something that wasn't her's, it was our's." That is how I feel. I feel so angry and helpless and sad and betrayed. Our marriage was mine too and I didn't have any say, my votes didn't count, I couldn't stop it. Many will think that I must have seen it coming. I mean divorces don't just happen. And yes, in a way you are right. There were problems and a gulf between us that seemed to increase. But I have learned that while it does take two to make a marriage or even an argument, it only takes one to walk away.

My grief for the loss of my marriage threatens to overwhelm me at times. I truly do not grieve Tim - many times I feel I didn't know him at all. But marriage - I miss it desperately. I miss having someone to talk too, someone who knows everyone I know. I miss planning the future & dreams, I miss early morning talks, I miss a parenting sounding board, I miss holding hands and kisses, I miss the priesthood in my home, I miss companionship, that feeling of us against the world. I had no idea what a incredible blessing marriage is until it slipped through my fingers. I took it so for granted.

Last night my brother asked me what I wanted out of life. My heart broke to tell him - I want to be married to a man who loves the Lord first and cherishes me second, I want to be a stay-at-home-homemaker soaking up every second with my kiddo, and I want a houseful of kids to love. I have been raised to set & reach goals yet these goals are beyond my control. I can't make them happen. I do know that eternally, they will happen one day. And I know that I can experience so many wonderful things in the mean time and I have many days that I am excited for those adventures. Other times, my heart aches and tears flow.

Slowly, I am creating a new life. This week I have a project that I am very much looking forward too (more to posted on that later.) The future is very hazy, but answers are coming in bits and pieces. I try to plan enough when I am feeling positive to keep me walking through the bad times.

Visitation is the worst. I don't mind seeing Tim - when he is alone & we talk as a family, I feel the most positive for our success as a divorced family. The hardest is when his girlfriend comes along. Seeing her interact with my son stabs my heart. I feel very keenly that I am the unwanted one. It is in my nature to be friendly and yet I struggle with her. I don't know how to be her friend. I know many will say I don't need to be her friend, but unfriendliness is hard for me. Befriending everyone is one of my few talents. By not being her friend, I feel like I've lost a bit of myself.

I've thought about how many times in life does one person's happiness come at the expense of another's heartbreak. For example, organ transplants. One family is thanking God for their miracle while another is sobbing and asking "why?" My personal heartache has been a blessing for her. I always come away from visitation thinking, "How did this happen? What did I do? What didn't I do?" "Why?" So many questions without answers. I am grateful that Tim's girlfriend cares about Ryan. She makes Tim happy. She has been civil to me. It isn't her that is hard for me, it is what she represents. I guess that for now, she embodies my heartache, disappointment and shattered dreams. I want her to be happy. I want Tim to be happy. I just wish that it didn't have to come at my expense.

Visitation is also hard for me because I am a control freak. I have such a hard time sending Ryan because I don't know what he will come up against. Will he be strong enough to make the right choices? Does he have the power of discernment to see good and evil for what they really are? Will anyone remind him to read his scriptures? Will he be enticed to want to go live with his dad all the time? How will I ever make it through that? I have read the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den every visitation. Like King Darius, I plead with the Lord to protect him. Please don't let him suffer for my mistakes.

I bought a box a few months ago that is my God's Box. My deepest hurts get recorded and put in His hands. Remarkably, there are not many notes in there. I have been strengthened and blessed beyond measure. He has taken care of my needs and many of my wants. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. He is my priesthood leader now and He will never leave me. I can trust that he will always be there. I am learning to, bit by bit, trust his plan & goals for my mortality. Many days I stubbornly keep holding on to what I want in life but he is patiently walking next to me.

So, how am I doing? I hurt. I cry - sometimes tears of gratitude & other times tears of heartache. At times, especially lately, I have felt strong. Other times I have felt so weak. My smile has reached my eyes a few times lately, but it hasn't quite warmed my heart. I do trust that it will again someday.

So, how am I doing? Depends on when you ask.